I forget, I REMEMBER...

There have been so many signs. Signs over time. And yes, you may laugh, people joke, "It's a sign, Lauren!"Well it is, really. All of it is pointing you and reminding you of, well, you. Everything is a mirror of your internal experience. If you are taking your time seriously and valuing it, then you will attract people and situations that, too, value you and your time, space, energy. If you believe in yourself, your vision, your mission, you will attract situations, people, and energy that also value you. If you are dilly dallying and wasting your most precious resource, time, then, well, life will reflect it. By distracting you and sending you people who do not add value, or, even, who suck it out of you, since, well, you haven't shown that you care all that much.

I am learning this the hard way. Thinking my time is endless and being careless with my energy, my space, my words, life gives it back to me and it hurts. Having been vegan and having been deep into my practices has shown me how good it can feel to be in alignment with nature, source, creator, so when I waver, when I falter, when I go off of it all, it hurts, it is damaging, it is like self-inflicted pain. It's that intense. Do you know what I mean? Have you experienced this at all?

It's like an addiction of sorts, to suffering, to chaos, to disorder. I know deep down how much I desire peace, serenity, quiet, calm. And I know, I remember the feeling. And yet, somehow, someway there is a deep deep connection to pain, and while at the moment I feel it physically, it is an energetic and psychic pain, which is really the worst. I have been saying how I am deeply disappointed with humans hehe Because we mostly take things at face value, by what we can see. When, in truth, there are so many layers to what is manifest in physical form. It takes a miracle of sorts for something to be presented and channeled and actually released into the physical realm. There are steps. There is time. There is work. There is much much more than we know, can fathom, or believe. And often we judge ourselves against these images, these perceptions of reality which are not, in fact, related to where we are in our process at all.

I often hear that I am being hard on myself, that I am being super judgmental and critical of where I am at. This could be true, but I am also tired. i am frustrated, upset, angry, and saddened over the reality of my seeming incompetence. I know I am highly skilled, highly intelligent, and have very much to share with others, however, simultaneously there is a sort of feeling of self denial, of disbelief, of feeling completely inadequate and unimportant. Like what I want doesn't matter, that how I feel doesn't matter, that my words are unimportant and not necessary, that my needs, desires, and vision is ridiculous and foolish. Impossible. This is what I deal with now on the day to day. While I would never ever ever wish that upon anyone, not my parents, my teachers, my students, my future children, none! Why am I so horribly horrible to ME? I am seeking support and help in various forms, a coach, a therapist, a support group. To deal with this deep deep feeling of unworthiness and incapability (is that even a word) that seems to have poisoned my mind and ravaged my system. In reflection I can see that it is me judging me, that I am different, unique, special, and have a lot to share. This makes me stand out and not fit in, and this is what I doubt. I feel the need to try and fit myself into a box, to be just like all the others, yet this is what hurts me, depletes me, chains me, distorts me. It is taking the wildest wild and caging. It is taking the most beautiful beauty and dulling, it is taking the most colorful color and fading, taking the most beautiful song and muting. And why? Because it hurts to see the others shine. When you so fear it yourself. I am not here to dim just because they have fear to do it. I am a star and meant to shine, brilla brilla corazon mia. 

Notes from before: 

I'm not sure how pleasure has become so foreign. 

How feeling good has become a far-off vision, a dream, a memory, a blurry image-like mirage. 

Is it the world we are living in? 

All Quiet on the Western Front.

Out there, 

Yet deep down there's a burning,

 a fire bubbling, 

lava disrupting, 

boiling, 

raging.

It's been building up and dwelling just below the surface. 

This rage, this fire, this flame. 

It has long been sitting aside as things go by, time, people, places

Quietly in resistance, holding its place. 

These flames cannot be tamed forever, 

these fires long to burn to rage, 

to ravage, tear down, destroy, make way.

Out with the old and in with the new. 

this is the way.

Otherwise 

Self destruction

from the inside

Out.

This is what I say. 

There is a war being waged and it begins within. 

No es el mundo el que necesita paz, sino las personas. Cuando las personas estén en paz, el mundo estará en paz. Prem Rawat

Out of the Way and Into the Heart

On the Road Again. I get to the train station with my backpack and a whole journey ahead. I’ve decided to head upstate to spend the weekend at @anandaashram, a place of study and contemplation that’s been on my radar for a couple of years now. This week I spoke with the crew, organized volunteering and booked my space. Excited and nervous, unsure what to expect, I set off. At the platform, the conductor asks, “Will you be joining us?” “No, I’m headed to New York.” I reply as I adjust the straps on my backpack. The Camino taught me much about how to wear these things correctly and comfortably, though there’s still much to learn!

I see a man across the platform and I ask “Are you going to the city?” “Mmm you speak Spanish?” He asks as he removes his sunglasses. “Si, si,” I reply. A huge smile crosses his face and his eyes begin to sparkle. We talk ceaselessly of travel, Colombia, salsa dancing, he’s on his way to the city for the first time ever. I recommend places for him to go. It all flows. We board the train, a young woman across the way hears us and chimes in. “Perdón, eres de Ecuador?” “No, pero estudié allí en Quito.” “Soy de Quito!” And we add another to our conversation. A beautiful young traveler woman asks out loud “Is there an outlet here?” I had just asked myself the same question as my battery was getting low. We shuffle over to plug our phones in. I look across the train and there’s an advertisement for a healing center with reiki, yoga, acupuncture, and all things that I love. As we are getting ready to walk out into Penn Station, I ask the girl, “Are you visiting?” “No, I  go to NYU and just got back from a semester in Argentina... and I’m off to Ghana next week. I heard you all speaking Spanish. What country are you from?” “I’m from here.” “Oh wow, me too and I’m Cuban but never learned before traveling.” “Same with me.” We smile at each other and we’re off. 

I head through the crowds with my backpack and yoga mat and feel for the first time in a while that I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to. People ask me for directions, I point them in the right direction. I’m talking, sharing, asking, trusting. I get to Port Authority hoping there is a bus soon so that I get upstate within the given hours, of course these are all things I probably could have planned earlier but life just hasn’t been that way... for a while, or maybe ever. I buy my ticket and have an hour to spare. I turn around and see a familiar face. An Instagram friend and follower, fellow seeker, creative, we met once before, crossing paths in Harlem before the Camino. We walk up to each other and share a hug. We speak of our travels, of yoga, of sharing, of community. It all flows and he’s off. Now this is what it feels like to be in the vortex, the stream of life, to be allowing and receiving, to be in alignment with what it is you are here to do. All laying out before you, a red carpet, one dominos after the next. All for you, all because of you. All is you. How the universe unfolds when we get out of the way and allow ourselves to ride the wave. To move into the heart. Thankful for this guidance. Thankful to receive and allow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Not Giving a F***

Working on it.

Time + Energy + Money = F***s

Do the Work. Get on Your Way.

"You cannot charm your way into what you want. You have to do the work." She messages me. I have been bugging out. But why? When? How? What am I supposed to do with this?

My high school Spanish teacher was such an inspiration the other day. She has made a masterpiece of her life. She acknowledges that for as long as she can remember she has hopped on any opportunity that came her way, believing in herself and her abilities to step up, do the work, and hit it out of the park. "You are the magician of your life. Whatever is given to you, you make the best of it." Wow. So simple. Why hadn't I seen this or lived this even though I have "known" this for a while?

There is such a difference between "knowing" in our minds and "knowing" in our bodies, in our hearts, in our beings. It's like how I know that yoga, meditation, and being outdoors are good for me but there is something so strong and so so persistent that wants me to do anything but. I know I love to be around people, having meaningful conversations, making plans, dreaming big, and coming together, yet there's a part of me that wants to stay alone, to isolate, to do nothing and forget about it all. It doesn't matter, does it? I don't matter that much in all of this, do I? What a hater. Seriously. And sometimes the hater comes on strong. In the spiritual community we would call this our "Shadow self", the dark bits of ourselves that stay hidden, stay deep deep down there, hidden from view much of the time, but they hold a strong grip on us if we do not recognize them and learn to work with them.

It's happening now. It's come up again. This fear, this gripping, this lack of, never enough, nothing is good enough. I want to scream, I want to run, yet I know. There is a part of me that knows. That is not the answer. I cherish the friends who remind me out here. on this plane. "You cannot run from yourself, Lauren." "Wherever you go there you are." "You've been running and it hasn't worked for you." "You cannot charm your way." I'm realizing there is no shortcut to what I am working towards. There is no easy way out or easy way in or easy way up. If you try to cut the line, you'll surely be pulled back to the end, and end up waiting longer and with a storm could over head. There is no cheating this path, there is no fleeing your destiny, there is no running from it or hiding away from it. It will pull you, it will push you, it'll ring in your ears and vibrate in your chest. It'll smack you across the face, over the head, or on the ass. It'll light a fire to your feet and kick start you into motion. And if not it'll churn and burn and ring you into the most uncomfortable fidgety mess. Though terrifying, I'm realizing it's got to be much easier to just Listen. To do the work. Even though you may not feel like it. Even though you may never feel like it. Motivation is made through momentum. Through showing up and getting started. Through arriving again and again and again. If you don't use it you lose it, they say. So get going. Get on your way.

Say YES! To Your Weirdness

Follow the gluten-free bread crumb trail back to yourself.

You were made with this weirdness.

You don't need to go anywhere or change anything to find it.

All that is needed is for you to remove the layers and layers of "normal" that you've put on as protection, to keep yourself from being seen.

Instead of searching for approval in normalcy, love and respect yourself enough to shed the layers and honor the weirdness that has been gifted to you.

Un-Bloomed

I try everything,

And nothing.

I choose both,

And none.

By not fully being

In any place,

I watch,

Observe,

Outside,

Seeing them grow, change, build together.

I stay here,

Watching.

Safe

Solitary

Alone.

In this cocoon,

Unborn.

In this bud,

Un-bloomed.

Til I Return Home

These plastic, shrink-wrapped thighs and painted faces.
These cubicles and cookie-cutter places.
They suck me.
They drain me.
With their fluorescent blaring lights.
My soul screams.
It begins to take notice.
It tightens, it shakes, it tingles.
This is not it.
So much energy to bring my presence.
To strengthen
To stand strong.
To know myself.
To love myself.
And stay rooted
To the Earth from which I came.
Which supports me, which grounds me
Which calls me, my name.
Remember who you are.
Be in it.
Own it.
Do not shrink your voice, your message, your song.
But that longing for the place I belong
It’s there, it’s real, it won’t be too long.
Til I return home.