Here I Am / Aquí Estoy

I'm in Spain! Wow, what a trip. Really. It seems surreal to be honest. I've been thinking about returning and hoping to return for so long, and I amfinally here. This is it. It's really happened, it's happening, it is.

These first few days I've just been adjusting; sleeping a lot, eating, and getting my yoga practice in. While I'm leaving in a few days for the Camino and still have things to prepare, I've wanted to take the time to center myself before I head out. This, for me, involves yoga, meditation, chanting, being in nature, and resting (though several years in New York has made this challenging for me) amongst other things. Everytime I come back to Spain, I find myself paying even more attention to these aspects of my self care. Is it because I'm now on "vacation" or away from what was seemingly my routine? I think that may have something to do with it, but really, it seems, when I'm here I think, well, I'm already different so what does it matter if I just do whatever I want? While in the States I always seem to feel this pressure (though I know it is self imposed) or keeping up, of going along with, of what I'm "supposed" to be doing, wearing, saying, etc etc etc. When traveling, when away from it all, it seems you are liberated, all the expectations and norms released, you are faced with nothing more than yourself and all that you are. That's what always calls me to return to the road. Coming back to myself.

As I wandered around this neighborhood of Madrid today and yesterday, I found myself noticing yoga centers, wellness centers, natural food stores, and actually, this was the first thing I searched for on google upon arriving. Where can I practice? Where are these people? What's going on here? And it seems it is everywhere. It's all around. Vegetarian/vegan food, not so much... yet. This may be one of the bigger challenges of this trip, pero bueno I'll make do with what there is.

The days have been me wandering, finding cool places, good food, practicing yoga, and allowing myself to be guided along the way. So far it's been great, feel that wandering spirit, the adventure, the "no pasa nada" slowly but surely returning though in a different, more confident and controlled sort of way. We shall see. A few more days in Madrid before I'm off to walk the Camino! Hasta Pronto mi gente!

Un abrazo muy fuerte desde Madrid,

Lauren

Hello Stranger

I'm back! So it has definitely been a while and I haven't been super good about writing even in my journal. I've been traveling a lot the past week, spending several days in Jersey with the family and then the past few days in Cincinnati celebrating a friend's wedding. It's been great connecting with everyone, spending time but really feeling the need to get back to preparation. Oh yea, haven't even written about this here yet... or have I? I'm about to head to Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago! 500 miles across Spain and then likely heading down to Portugal. I leave on the 30th of September and will be starting the walk during that first week in October. Not only am I going to walk the Camino, but I have actually bought a one-way ticket across the pond, will be taking my time and seeing what presents. It's big. And I'm pretty terrified.

That's where I've found myself the past week actually, lots of fear has been presenting. How is this going to happen? What am I doing? What if this and what if that? I mean, I guess it's normal to have these feelings especially during a big transition, and I keep reminding myself that this is what I have wanted for a while and as soon as I made the decision to make this move, many things started to come into alignment to make it happen. Also, I have to realize what a leap I have taken; I haven't been working since the end of August (when I left my job as studio manager) and have basically been trying to create my own schedule for preparations (work... but for myself!) which has proven quite challenging as time management and planning are not my super strong points, as well as tying up my life here in New York. Lots of change, big stuff. And I often ask myself why I need to do things like this? Can't I just stay and be okay with this instead of moving again and again? Why can't I just be happy with where I am? Then I remember, I'm not supposed to be. That's not why I'm here. If I had been or was satisfied with what I was doing I would stay. I believe and put my faith in the knowing that I am on my way. I am learning and growing and all of this is for the best for me and for everyone, because ultimately this journey, this story, this life is to share and inspire and to be an example.

I have to remember to be kind with myself, to be patient, to move slowly and with care. To encourage and support myself through whatever this journey brings. To come back to the tools I have learned for my own balancing and grounding. I am grateful, too, for the friends new and old that continue to guide me and steer me back when I get off track. Self guidance is ultimately the goal, but the truth is we all need our guides, our mentors, our partners, our tribe. They guide us, remind us, and bring us back to ourselves. That has definitely been one of the most challenging things since leaving my role as manager of the studio, finding the time to connect with like-minded people. I was fortunate to have worked in a place where many of the students and practitioners were my friends. We shared stories, insights, concerns, and were a support for one another. The difference now is that I need to plan to see those people I want to see, organize gatherings, bring those energies into my life purposefully. It's definitely different!

So off I go again. Planning to get the writing back up regularly. It is helpful for me to process all that is going on during this time of transition, and it's a great way to keep you all updated with what's happening.

Some highlights of the past week:
Lake Hopatcong trip with old friends
Paul McCartney live in NJ
Krishna Das concert in NYC
Friend's wedding in Cincinnati
Reunion with Spanish friends
Exploring Cincinnati - making new friends all over the place!
Crystal magic & oracle card sharing with friends
phew... busy busy busy

Life is beautiful. Hasta pronto familia.

Much love,

Lauren

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

I planned to go grocery shopping after an appointment on the upper west side this afternoon. A regular, normal night. No adventure, no chance meetings, just ordinary shopping, check out, home. Then I realized I was close to the river, so decided to check it out instead. Food can wait. There are things to be explored. Sat amongst the trees and eventually headed to the pier; walking out above the water to see the sun, the clouds. I begin to snap fotos, naturally. About to put my phone in my pocket and a honey bee lands on the corner of my purple phone case. Ah! A bee! My initial reaction: fear. I want to shake my phone, get it off and away. After all, it could sting me and what was it doing here anyway? I stopped, paused, looked at the bee. Shifted, diluted, transmuted. Love. I wondered, where did you come from? Where are you trying to go? How were you by the water? Are you all right? Where is your family? Why did you come to me? You must be confused, and what about all the radiation from the phone? My heart began to swell, "Bring him back to the flowers". 

I walked slowly, carefully, eyes on the bee. Was he okay? I notice, he's cleaning himself. A good sign, he feels safe. I make my way off the pier and towards the trees. I ask myself where I'm going. I don't know but I follow the green. There will be flowers somewhere, I'm sure. Stepping carefully, purposefully. "Bring the bee home." 

I see the trees, a willow, some other ones I cannot identify. No, that's not it. He needs flowers. I keep walking. Somewhere, somewhere. The cafe. Ah! Yes! Brightly colored flowers, I choose a nice, bright yellow one. I bring my phone towards the flowers and he flies away. I give thanks and continue. 

I wander back to the street to the cars, the buildings. Okay, now it's time to focus. But wait, I look up, World Yoga Center. I read the signs, check the schedule, get some information. I give thanks that yoga finds me. I continue, a few steps, I look up again, Floating Mountain: Tea House & Gallery. This sounds nice. 

I see plants, white walls, a tea kettle, and a modern wooden bookshelf. Zen. I feel it. Let me see. I walk towards the door. Ashtanga Yoga Upper West Side. I laugh to myself. I walk up to the second floor. I say hello, we smile. Wood, bamboo, floor pillows, clean, clear energy. "This is a tea house." I don't know what this means but I remove my shoes, leave my bag, and slowly look around and choose a seat. The corner with a view of the street, by the window. A tall, slender woman comes over and kneels beside me on the cushion. She explains. I ask, she tells me about the different experiences of the teas, all hand picked from China. Familiar. I choose. She guides me, prepares, I drink. We talk. We share. A new friend. Confirmation, inspiration. My first tea ceremony. #connect #shareyourstory #youaremeiamyou #tea #zen #be #getoutside #urbanexplorer #followyourbliss #wallsintodoors #trustthepath #lovelovelove #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

Who Are You? Part II

April 10th? You can't be serious? Well to be honest, it seems even longer than that. I have definitely been on a writing hiatus, though always doing my pen and paper work. Lists, to dos, schedules, appointment, thoughts, hopes, dreams. All that good stuff.

So where do I find myself now, the eleventh day of June? Past the big full Moon and the turning of the season (is it for real this time?)? In transition. Big one. Not certain where exactly I'm headed or what exactly is coming but I am getting quiet and observing, allowing all that is meant for me to emerge. I know this sound kinda loopy, but for anyone who has met me over the past several years and seen and heard all of the wild, funky, fucked up stuff that's gone on, this is the shift away from that. This is where I'm realizing that what is meant for me is supposed to feel good, comfortable, and supported. What drains my energy, rattles my foundation, or does not respect my time, energy, or heart, is not necessary to keep around. I'm shifting and I feel it, I feel it on an even larger scale, too. And I see it's effects all around me.

As I work to cleanse my diet, my body, my mind, my room, my home, my work, my relationships, everything begins to shift. The movement brings me more into alignment, brings my surroundings more into alignment with who I am, what I want, and who I am meant to be. As I remove my own personal agenda from the equation (I think I should do this, this seems right, well the logical next step is, well this would be exciting and fun for now), I am creating space for my heart's work. Sometimes the scariest, wildest, boldest thing we can do is listen to what is in our hearts.

What is it that I truly desire? Who do I want to be? What do I want to create? Where do I see myself? NOT what has been told to me, shown to me, not what anyone else has ever done before. Just me. My story. This moment. All of it. What is my unique story, the song only I can sing? Others help to guide you, help you to remember who you are; your talents, your gifts, your love. But.... when you know this for yourself, know yourself, appreciate yourself, believe in all that you are and all that you do, this is the power of life. I'm on this journey, as are you. Let us silence the noise, the chatter, the news, and let us get quiet and listen. Who are you?

#comeback #returnofthejedi #iammoana #knowthyself #itsallhappening #youaremeiamyou

Who Are You?

When I want to remember something I either write it down or send it to myself via email or text message. Last night I sent myself something and I scrolled through just now. Turns out one year ago TODAY, I wrote this:

April 10th, 2016
I am a teacher, traveler, writer, foodie, nature-lover living in New York City. My love of exploration and ceaseless curiosity have led me to incredible people and places. This blog will serve as a reminder that these experiences do not depend on the place that I am, but a mindset, a way of being that is always available to me at any moment. Finding magic, appreciating beauty, and sitting still in the moment are ways that we can. Connect to the world we are in, and most importantly, to ourselves. I am on this journey inward, I hope it inspires your own!

Here I am, one year later. Happy to read my words, the reminder of myself and how I continually evolve with each experience and each person or place I cross paths with. A year later, boarding a plane in Texas, traveling, seeing, moving, changing, that's just me. Here I go, on the road again. #nocoincidences #timetraveler #trusttheprocess #followyourbliss #knowthyself #youareit #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #lovelovelove

Wherever You Find Yourself

I'm writing this from a hotel room in Lubbock, Texas. Been one month since I last wrote, phew! And what a month it's been. Let me first start out by saying that I am beyond thrilled that I made this trip out here for the weekend. Not only is it always great to leave the big city, but, most importantly, to spend time with people who you really love. Love not in the sense of obligation or shoulds, but Love because of respect and concern. Of encouragement and understanding. Beyond lines of states, of countries, of languages, of politics, of color, shape, or size. Love for all that unites you and all that separates you. The recognition that these similarities and differences are all a part of the vibrant spectrum of life itself. I would not be me if it weren't for you and you would not be you if it weren't for me, and that is why we find ourselves here, together, now.

Not sure that I ever would have made it to Lubbock, Texas. But then again I could say that about anywhere that I've been. I feel the same about the places I have visited in Spain or the places I visit in New York. And the truth is, yes, there's something to say about places. The smells, the tastes, the sights, the sounds, the feeling. You can feel and know something beyond what you can see. But beyond all that is a tapestry, a carefully woven fabric that brings us to that place at that moment in time. For a reason. I came to Lubbock on my half birthday (six months since my 30th! To the day!) for one of my best friend's weddings. She is a friend who I spent two amazing years of my life with exploring the south of Spain and all of its magic. Another friend who was with us at the time also made the trip. It had been four years since we last were together in New York City. It had been a while (el tiempo vuela!), but it seemed all so familiar to be together. This time in Lubbock, Texas. And what I see and what I feel and what I am beginning to know at the root of my understanding is that yes, places are important, places can captivate you and inspire you, but people and the experiences you make together are really what bring this magic. You are not separate from your environment, and you are most certainly not separate from those people who have woven themselves into your life. All here for a reason, All to show you the value of these connections, of these experiences, of the love that is all around and most importantly, within you.

Congratulations Kristin & Jason! To a lifetime of Love & Happiness!
#jnp4life #españa #auxiliares #lubbocktx #prairiedogtown #wideopenspaces #hastalaproxima #magiceverywhere #lovelovelove #itsallhappening #allthesingleladies #ohitsjustme
<3

Back into Whack

Let's just say I've been coming back into whack. You know how we say something's "Out of Whack", yea, well, I'd say that was me for, well, a while. The truth is it's many of us. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, there is just not as much ease, not as much consciousness, not as much choice in us living the lives we really want to live. So let me explain... It started with a plantar's wart. (I'm sure it goes back much farther than that, but let me begin where I remember. )

This plantar's wart arrived on my foot probably over two years ago. So far back I can't even remember. It began small, I tried some at home stuff - apple cider vinegar, over-the-counter stuff, duct tape, all sorts of concoctions. I thought I had removed it. It came back. I was in the midst of the NYC Teaching Fellows (probably described previously as a tumultuous two-year-period of intense anxiety) and just didn't have time for it. Didn't have time to eat, didn't have time to sleep. Didn't have time to go to the doctor to figure any of this stuff out. I just kept telling myself, "Maybe it will just go away, yea, that's right. It will just go away."

Except it didn't... AND it wouldn't because as Pema Chodron says:

So it just stayed there waiting, growing, silently planting its roots, waiting for me to listen. About six months ago I started working at the yoga studio. I later found out there was a woman who was also suffering from a plantar's wart. We had spoken quite often and had found that we had a lot in common.  She tells me of Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" and how wart's are said to be "little expressions of hate and belief in ugliness".   I already knew this as I had the book by my bedside. For those of you who don't know Louise Hay, she's all about the body-mind connection and that changing our thought patterns can heal our bodies. So yea, I knew this, that was great, I had the wart, hadn't taken time to do anything about it. Mostly what I had been doing was trying to understand what the expression of hate at the root of my being could be.

I recognized it to be beliefs about myself and what I'm capable of. I often fall into the habit of limiting myself, of telling myself that I can't do, that I don't deserve it things, that things should just stay as is and not to rock the boat. What is that bullshit?! That's not me, that's not the life I want, it is the most uncomfortable thing... trying to be comfortable in things that don't suit you. So I had pondered that quite a bit but had done nothing, nothing!, about the removal of the wart.

Until one day. About two months ago. When my blue lace agate & quartz crystal pendant hit my front teeth. HARD. It was closing time at the studio and I was tidying up the mats for the next morning. As I picked up the mat to fold it correctly, UP swung the crystal and, SNAP, it hit my front teeth. Crystal. Yes, CRYSTAL. Rocks that take thousands of years to form under intense pressure. I felt a shock run throughout my body. The fascinating thing was that it hit all of the points in my body that I had been recognizing pain or sensitivity in: my left shoulder (sore from overwork and incorrect alignment in some yoga poses), my right hip (tightness), my left calf and heal (tightness & soreness) and then.... YES, I couldn't believe it, the plantar's wart on the ball of my right foot! I stood there in shock, frozen, feeling the bolt through my body, hoping I hadn't broken all of my front teeth.

As I came back to myself, I reached for my front teeth... all there. Phew. Then I realized... holy shit. All of these aches, all of these pains, all of these things that have happened in my life, one after another after another, could all be related to this wart, could all be related to this "anger at the root of my being". It was time to DO something.

Since I had been going round and round in my head and hadn't been able to figure it out, I decided it was time to work from the outside in. Heal the body, heal the mind, heal the mind, heal the body. It works both ways! I found a podiatrist and have been working on the removal of the wart. I have to go back every two weeks for a series of treatments to freeze it and make sure to get all the roots out. Since it has been there for a while, it is pretty deep. The treatments have been more and more uncomfortable, and afterwards, I'm not able to walk on my right foot. It swells up, blisters, and is super sensitive. I have to hobble around and walk super slowly.

This has taught me so much. Patience, appreciation, attention. I have also noticed how much people notice. People feel sorry for me, apologize for my discomfort, wish me well and a fast recovery. They are SO kind. I laugh and say, don't worry, don't be sorry. This was ME. This was my decision! I did this to myself. Seriously. How could I have ignored my body for so long? How did I not think that the pebble-sized growth on my right foot would not affect my balance and then cause plantar fasciitis in my left foot and strain the muscles? Well it did. With over two years of minor adjustments to my walk, to my stance, to my balance, a lot of stuff has been thrown out of whack. But I am happy to say that I'm working it all out. I'm coming back into it. Into alignment, into balance, into whack.

Until Next Time.

Carry on Peaceful Warriors!

#comingback #balance #alignment #healthyself #payattention #wakeup #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening