Back into Whack

Let's just say I've been coming back into whack. You know how we say something's "Out of Whack", yea, well, I'd say that was me for, well, a while. The truth is it's many of us. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, there is just not as much ease, not as much consciousness, not as much choice in us living the lives we really want to live. So let me explain... It started with a plantar's wart. (I'm sure it goes back much farther than that, but let me begin where I remember. )

This plantar's wart arrived on my foot probably over two years ago. So far back I can't even remember. It began small, I tried some at home stuff - apple cider vinegar, over-the-counter stuff, duct tape, all sorts of concoctions. I thought I had removed it. It came back. I was in the midst of the NYC Teaching Fellows (probably described previously as a tumultuous two-year-period of intense anxiety) and just didn't have time for it. Didn't have time to eat, didn't have time to sleep. Didn't have time to go to the doctor to figure any of this stuff out. I just kept telling myself, "Maybe it will just go away, yea, that's right. It will just go away."

Except it didn't... AND it wouldn't because as Pema Chodron says:

So it just stayed there waiting, growing, silently planting its roots, waiting for me to listen. About six months ago I started working at the yoga studio. I later found out there was a woman who was also suffering from a plantar's wart. We had spoken quite often and had found that we had a lot in common.  She tells me of Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" and how wart's are said to be "little expressions of hate and belief in ugliness".   I already knew this as I had the book by my bedside. For those of you who don't know Louise Hay, she's all about the body-mind connection and that changing our thought patterns can heal our bodies. So yea, I knew this, that was great, I had the wart, hadn't taken time to do anything about it. Mostly what I had been doing was trying to understand what the expression of hate at the root of my being could be.

I recognized it to be beliefs about myself and what I'm capable of. I often fall into the habit of limiting myself, of telling myself that I can't do, that I don't deserve it things, that things should just stay as is and not to rock the boat. What is that bullshit?! That's not me, that's not the life I want, it is the most uncomfortable thing... trying to be comfortable in things that don't suit you. So I had pondered that quite a bit but had done nothing, nothing!, about the removal of the wart.

Until one day. About two months ago. When my blue lace agate & quartz crystal pendant hit my front teeth. HARD. It was closing time at the studio and I was tidying up the mats for the next morning. As I picked up the mat to fold it correctly, UP swung the crystal and, SNAP, it hit my front teeth. Crystal. Yes, CRYSTAL. Rocks that take thousands of years to form under intense pressure. I felt a shock run throughout my body. The fascinating thing was that it hit all of the points in my body that I had been recognizing pain or sensitivity in: my left shoulder (sore from overwork and incorrect alignment in some yoga poses), my right hip (tightness), my left calf and heal (tightness & soreness) and then.... YES, I couldn't believe it, the plantar's wart on the ball of my right foot! I stood there in shock, frozen, feeling the bolt through my body, hoping I hadn't broken all of my front teeth.

As I came back to myself, I reached for my front teeth... all there. Phew. Then I realized... holy shit. All of these aches, all of these pains, all of these things that have happened in my life, one after another after another, could all be related to this wart, could all be related to this "anger at the root of my being". It was time to DO something.

Since I had been going round and round in my head and hadn't been able to figure it out, I decided it was time to work from the outside in. Heal the body, heal the mind, heal the mind, heal the body. It works both ways! I found a podiatrist and have been working on the removal of the wart. I have to go back every two weeks for a series of treatments to freeze it and make sure to get all the roots out. Since it has been there for a while, it is pretty deep. The treatments have been more and more uncomfortable, and afterwards, I'm not able to walk on my right foot. It swells up, blisters, and is super sensitive. I have to hobble around and walk super slowly.

This has taught me so much. Patience, appreciation, attention. I have also noticed how much people notice. People feel sorry for me, apologize for my discomfort, wish me well and a fast recovery. They are SO kind. I laugh and say, don't worry, don't be sorry. This was ME. This was my decision! I did this to myself. Seriously. How could I have ignored my body for so long? How did I not think that the pebble-sized growth on my right foot would not affect my balance and then cause plantar fasciitis in my left foot and strain the muscles? Well it did. With over two years of minor adjustments to my walk, to my stance, to my balance, a lot of stuff has been thrown out of whack. But I am happy to say that I'm working it all out. I'm coming back into it. Into alignment, into balance, into whack.

Until Next Time.

Carry on Peaceful Warriors!

#comingback #balance #alignment #healthyself #payattention #wakeup #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening 

Left Side - Right Side & in between

A lot has happened since I've last written, let me catch you up. Last Friday there was a full moon (Snow Moon to be correct) and a lunar eclipse and a comet. Lots of celestial movement. In the week leading up to these events and the start of what many astrologers coin "eclipse season", I felt like some things were falling into place, things I've been wanting to fall into place for some time and they always seem to take longer than expected. For example, My morning rituals, making sure I'm eating regularly (and when my body gets hungry), drinking enough water during the day, making sure I get enough rest. Basic life things, but, unfortunately for many of us, not priorities and not always the top things on our life to-do list. I have found it challenging here in the city to do this, especially during my first two years when I was working full-time as a middle school ESL teacher and working on my masters at the same time. In a program designed by the city... hmmm something doesn't seem right here. So if I'm a full-time teacher AND a full-time student, when do I have any other time for anything, especially me?!

It was a challenging period, to put it lightly. And even though I made a huge change in my work and lifestyle by becoming the manager of my yoga studio, I somehow still found these "life basics" to be, well, not so basic. And then the shift began, and I embraced it. I felt a pull to spend more time by myself, to connect with my close friends, to devote time to create, to feed myself and rest, and just be kinder in general. I might also add that a benefit of working at the studio is that I have made friends with many healers; yoga teachers, massage therapists, Reiki masters, acupuncturists, cranioscral therapists. A few years ago, I didn't even know that some of these things existed, let alone have tried them, or do them on a regular basis. I now have the opportunity to incorporate them into my life, and have people all around me who have this wealth of knowdlege. I am constantly learning about these arts, as well as learning more about myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.

In the past few months I have noticed in these practices that there is pain on several places on my left body. I think I had not noticed before, or it wasn't to the point of irritation. Whatever the case, I found it peculiar that there were things on only the left side. I also became aware of other patterns having to do with right and left body patterns, even as simple as where I sit or which way I sleep. So what I am getting to is that I feel my left body has been worked too hard, had not been used in a gentle loving way, and had been a bit neglected. Left body corresponds to right-brain. Creativity, flow, ease, artistic expression. Whereas my right body is strong, right, tense and over worked. This corresponding to left-brain. Masculine, order, logic, structure, planning. Go, go, go. More, more, more. You see?

So with the pre-eclipse and post-eclipse I saw the shift in attention to my left body, specifically my shoulder. I believe I hurt it from incorrect positioning in several yoga poses and just generally overworking it. I also believe I caught it early enough to not have caused any lasting injury (though i will be checking it out!). Point being that I am now intentionally acting with focus on my left shoulder. Which class will i take today? What do you say left shoulder? No class? Okay, well then we still need to do our stretching. Gentle hatha? Sounds nice! Okay then. How about those downward facing dogs? Not feeling it? No worries, coming down to rest.

This seems to be a way of me listening to that quiet voice. My heart, my soul, that gentle, patient part of me that often gets skipped over or put on hold. What I've realized and am beginning to incorporate into my life is that I need to listen to my body and what it is telling me. If something doesn't feel right, I don't need to do it, NO explanation needed. If something feels good, like a warm cozy hug, go for it. I only have this one body and this one life here, I am meant to be happy. I am meant to be well. I am meant to be free from suffering. I can only be responsible for ME. My ONLY responsibility is to take care of my needs, and part of that is listening to my heart. What is it that I desire? What is it that won't leave me alone? If I ignore it long enough it will show up, as synchronicity, as aches, as pains, even as depression (if we really don't listen). So I am listening, really listening. AND asking for strength and courage to do what needs to be done, when the time comes. It's not time to sit back and be quiet, this is the only time I've got. I've begun to focus more on what I want. Not sure how or when these things will happen, but my focus will manifest them. And that I'm sure. So, that's that.

That's the update, for now. ❤️🙏❤
#listentoyourheart #healthyself #followyourbliss #beherenow #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

You Get What You Need

You know how the song goes...

You can't always get what you want.

You can't always get what you want.

You can't always get what you want, 

but if you try sometimes, you might find,

You get what you need.

And that's really it. We have everything that we need. We have everything that we need. We have everything that we need. And to know this, to know that at this moment, at this time, we have have we need changes EVERYTHING. 

From my own experience, I have seen it very easily reflected back to me in my surroundings. When I am in the space of gratitude, of knowing that I have everything that I need in this moment, things align, things come to me that I've been thinking of, life flows. 

When I find things taken away, never feeling like there's enough, never being able to maintain a balance or a comfortable calm, this is when I'm focused on what I don't have, what I might have or could have, what is the next best thing, bigger, better, more, more, more!

Some would call it the ego, some would call it the collective culture, others would call it the zeitgeist, and still others a form of mental illness, perhaps depression or anxiety.

It goes further that things though, it's much deeper than that, it's about knowing who and what you are. It's knowing that you ARE everything that you need and you ARE everything you are looking for. You are Powerful beyond limits. You Are a Miracle. You are Here for a Reason. You Are Loved. You Are Love. That is what brought you here, that is what created you, that is why you are alive at this very instant. That inhale... Love. That exhale... love. 

Where else would it come from? It all serves a purpose, a divine, loving purpose. Much greater than you, much greater than me. We are made of the stuff of stars and this universe will provide for us all that is needed. Always. You will always get what you need, maybe not in the shape or form expected, but as it is supposed to be. Remember. Remember. You Get What You Need. You Have What You Need. 

#gratitude #givethanks #vibes #energy #resonance #knowwhoyouare #youareit #lovelovelove #divinity #beherenow #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

I like the reminder of this message from Charles Bradley: I'm Just a Soldier Passing Through

Baby Steps

My messages from the universe today: have patience with yourself, everything is learning, be kind, be gentle, take it easy, step by step. As a recovering perfectionist, I recognize when my mind seeks to control and have everything just as it has imagined. When things aren't that way or seem to take longer than expected, I get agitated and second guess.

Maybe this isn't meant for me, maybe this isn't really what I want, maybe this is just not meant to be, this is just horrible, not good enough, it needs to be this way now!... the focus, rather, as I recover from these tendencies is on the process and the enjoyment of where I am at that moment.

Did I want to ask this person about something I heard them talking about? Did I enjoy a class and share my appreciation with the teacher or other students? Did I start a conversation and find our common thread (because there ALWAYS is one)? Did I find the beauty and perfection in the moment, whatever or how ever it looks like? It's coming to the realization that everything, when you fall, when you balance, when you laugh, when you cry, ALL of it, is just as it should be. When you recognize the ups and downs, the fluctuations of these brief and fleeting moments, you can begin to appreciate it all; the highs, the lows the excitement, and the mundane, because the truth is you are SO MUCH MORE than all of that.

The truth is you are being born everyday. You are learning every moment. By focusing on how you want to feel and where you want to go, you will be able to recognize the necessity of being kind to yourself. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Take it easy, take care, listen to your BODY and what it is telling you. Keep your eyes on the prize and that will keep your day to day actions focused and clear. Whereever you are headed on this journey, know that all of it, ALL of it, is taken in baby steps. One step at a time. Be patient with yourself, everything will come to you in just the right time. Keep. On. Keeping. On.

#theuniversespeaks #trusttheprocess #followtheyellowbrickroad #patience #courage #babysteps #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

Life is Beautiful & Chamomile Tea

I've been pretty blah lately. Things have been heavy, I've felt rushed, like there's so much to do (personally, professionally, in the community and our collective society) and I can't seem to fit it all in, and not fitting it in means I'm not succeeding, not doing enough, not doing well enough, just not enough. Not enough, Not enough. Not enough. I know many of us are feeling these things, there's been so much going on.

This morning, I opened up Gabby Bernstein's "The Universe Has Got Your Back" and recognized a similar story to what I've been experiencing. As I have been telling myself I'm not enough, I feel I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be heard, I'm not good enough for that. I want to be safe, I want to be small and on and on and on.

And what do I get from those feelings? In some areas I feel I want to be small, I want to be safe, I want to be quiet, I don't want to be seen. At the same time, in other areas where I'd prefer to be relaxed, I get The Universe calling me to step into my power. To step in, lean in, embrace this power. The Universe is guiding me to do so despite the fear talk that wants to keep me safe and small.  I cannot run from it. You cannot run from your life, from your duty, from your purpose, it will always find you, it will always follow you, it is what you are meant for! My voice is being called to be heard, I am called to be seen, I am called to make my name, face, opinion known. It is mine, it is me, it is enough! I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. My voice matters. I matter. 

During my reading, I made annotations, as usual, comparing excerpts with the movie Life is Beautiful and the book The Alchemist, among other things. I liked how she suggested asking to be guided by the Universe, looking for the guidance, and trusting in it once it presents itself. So I began my day on that foot, thinking, "Okay, Universe, I am here because you put me here and I will trust and follow your signs. I will get out of the way and trust whole-heartedly in all that you are presenting me with. Please guide me and show me the way I should go." 

With that in mind, I hopped into an uber and the driver, super peppy and positive, wished me, "Happy New Year!" and our conversation flowed. He spoke of the music on his radio, west coast electric rock and roll, and totally recommended it for good vibes. I shared with him the ickiness I've been feeling lately, how in actuality things are pretty great, I just always seem to fall into complaining or sitting in the blah-ness instead of shifting and choosing to see the good. That's my journey, I guess, that's all of our journeys. He then recommended "herbal teas", specifically chamomile, "it's a great one". All right, Mike, thanks! And off I went.

... the day goes on, and I recognize the signs. The teacher of the kids' dance class tells me she felt inspired to use this song for their dance routine because of the movie Life is Beautiful... and I'm like, wait whatttt?! Life is Beautiful? Really? Check out my annotation from this morning. Thanks, Universe, noted. Life. is Beautiful. Then, my friend from work who is super geeky into herbalism and makes awesome teas, makes me an elderberry blend to help with my sore throat/sinus stuff going on. As we're sitting there, she says, "You want to know why Chamomile tea is so great?" And again, I'm like... wait whattttt... Chamomile? Really? Thanks, Universe! There you go again. She then proceeds to tell me about the magic of the plant and why it actually does what it does to uplift us. And so it goes... I asked to be guided, I was given the guidance, and I roll with it. Life is Beautiful... and Chamomile tea. Keep it simple. Just like that.

#spiritguides #theuniverse #youareit #shareyourstory #wakeup #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #healerhealthyself #takeiteasy #takeitslow #Iamenough

Courage

Just out of a bath. Haven't taken one in a while. While I lay there staring at the Courage candle I bought for myself a few weeks ago, this mantra came to mind, "Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is be yourself."

"Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is be yourself."

"Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is be yourself."

Be Yourself, Listen to Yourself, Love Yourself, Fearlessly.

And on that note, it's time for bed.

Love to You All.

It's All There, All Along.

Over the past week A LOT has happened. A LOT. Collectively, professionally, personally, there's just a lot of movement. That's how I've been calling it. Movement, shifts, opportunities for growth. And in the midst of this, what happens? I feel swept up, rushed, confused, unable to focus, it's a lot of fear basically. What's going on? How will it end up? Why is it like this right now? Why can't this all just match my vision of how I see it, right now, just as it should be? And then about myself... can I handle this? How will I manage it? Am I ready to do this? Do I want to do this? Will I ever know? Will I ever feel confident enough to do this? And yes, all of this, especially during these times. Fear comes in, fear lingers, and how does it make me feel? Is it bringing resolution? No. Is it making me feel better? No. Is it productive? No. And so I learn. Asking all of these questions and wondering and worrying doesn't get me anywhere but stuck in my head. When I shift into love, when I sit and breathe and take a minute, things present themselves, things are just there. It's all there, all along.

If you've been in touch with me recently, you've probably heard of the issues I'm having with my apartment and management company; we've been out of gas since a fire in July and there is little to no word on updates. I've begun to hold monthly housing meetings and created a facebook group for correspondence and information sharing. This takes a lot of my energy, a considerable amount. But the truth is that I enjoy bringing people together, I enjoy educating myself and others on issues of importance, I enjoy empowering people, and I enjoy standing up for what is right. I feel power, I feel courage, and I feel strong. It brings out the best in me.

On the flip side, it can also wear me out... when I spend my free mornings and evenings holding meetings, doing research, meeting with attorneys, calling the company. It can be exhausting. So I read my cards last week or two weeks ago and what showed up... all things about my home and my housing situation. The story read that I am taking on much more than is needed and that I already know that it's not a great situation and that the company is being dishonest and tricky in their business. The outcome revealed to me just what I needed to know, "Justice", that all would end just as it is supposed to. The truth will be revealed, there is no rush, just trust and know and prepare myself. So I stopped the rush for information, I stopped filling up my time with meetings and phone calls. I began to focus on my work and the movement going on there, and when I did...

My first work-study came in on Saturday for his training. We went through ins-and-outs of the online system, space, shift responsibilities and then talking about some things... shared a bit about my housing issue, then he about his; similarities, three roommates, old building, not too thrilled with the management company and overall vibe of the situation. He tells me he's been in court for months with his housing company over several issues, first gas and now holdover. I ask about the gas issue, he says the gas was shut off because the pipes were too old and had to be replaced in the whole building. The same issue as in my building. He says the process took two years. It's been six months at mine. He said he withheld rent. I said we have started to as well. I ask who his management company was and he says... "E&A?" "E&A or E&M? They both exist, E&A is good, E&M, not so much." "Not sure, but I do know that before the case started, the building was sold to them by Galil management."

My jaw dropped... the SAME management company. Same situation. Pre-fire, Galil. Post-fire, E&M. Exactly. They pass it on and on and on, avoiding what needs to get done, avoiding any trouble, one huge scam. Like playing chips on a board. Except we're not and I won't let them... He then proceeded to outline the whole process, what he did, what they did, the court, the settlement, the details. It was just what I had been looking for. It was what I had been hoping to hear or find somewhere. Someone who had been through and knew what to do. And so it goes. When I stopped pushing and pulling, and scheduling and doing, there it was. When I settled back into myself and brought my focus to what I truly needed to get done, all of the information I was seeking came to me, in divine timing. Not on my watch, but just when it was meant to. And there it was, right in front of me. It was all there. All along.

#itsallconnected #followtheyellowbrickroad #theuniversehasgotyourback #lovelovelove #shareyourstory #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #trusttheprocessofyourlife #takeiteasy #letitbe #youareit