The undercurrent of everything is Love. It does not matter what job you have, all the traveling to all of the most majestic places, if you don't have people to share it with or if you keep it all to yourself, the memories fade and die and do not grow. This is why it is essential. Despite how excrutiatingly painful it may seem to take that leap, to trust, to open, to be completely and wholely yourself, it is the only way to live. To let love in, to let love out, to share all of who you are and be open to the gifts of abundance that seek to find you and carry you. It is complete surrender.
But surrender not to another being, to someone or something outside of you, but rather to yourself and your future. Because ultimately, it is you. To give yourself to something or someone while also doing the work that is necessary and essential to maintain yourself, your strength, your integrity, changes everything.
I was thinking about this. About "toxic" environments or "toxic" people. I know that is real, as we are all in the process of healing, even this earth, too, is in this uncomfortable learning cycle. But what about our own healing capacities? The fact that our mere presence shifts the energy of a place and begins to heal it and everyone and everything that steps into that field? This is even MORE real. I see it in my life. Always. Everywhere.
I seem to find myself in places that need me. Need me in a sense that is not seen or really felt at the moment, but energetically there is a shift in energy, of movement, of releasing. I come in, I move things around, I clear energy, I sit with the discomfort, and before you know it, not just I have changed and returned back to my love, my heart, my home, but so has that person and environment, made more space for themselves, made an important decision, moved on and into more alignment.
So I find myself here at my parent's house in perhaps the same situation. There are so many puzzle pieces in movement in a family with five adult children, two dogs, two cats, several properties, grandparents homes and stuff, and a wild history in this small New Jersey town. Lots and lots of layers. Of releasing. Of letting go. Of moving more into what I want and what I need and what am I really here for. And what this family as it's history is moving towards and becoming. This is a big year. My 31st, my Camino, my sister's 30th, my brother's 25th, my youngest sister's final year of high school, my father reaching retirement, my mother's 60th - yea, exactly. A cosmic collision. So perhaps all of this inner turbulence makes sense, and I am supposed to be here.
And perhaps that is just it. The inner turbulence. I spoke to a dear friend of mine the other night and I told her I have this overwhelming anxiety and just want to leap, to jump, to leave, to go, and in her calm, soothing way she said, "Well that's what you've always done, Lauren. And if you do it, this will all just repeat again. This is normal, think about all that you have done in the past months, all that you've seen, all that you've learned, this is a big change. You need time. You need to process. To integrate. Work through it, choose differently, choose not to run." Buffff words of wisdom. And not just that, I told her, "You know I really feel like going into the mountains or a quieter more private place would be good for me right now." She returned, "Lauren, haven't you realized that the place doesn't matter?" And it was like a splash of cold water across my face. She was right. And it was one of the most important messages of the Camino that somehow (how conveniently) had slipped from my conscious mind. It is not the place, it is not the circumstance, it is me. Always me. I carry all of these things within me, everywhere that I go.
So for now I take some time to process, to reset, to integrate and reflect on what is happening to me, within me, around me, and what exactly is my role within it. Allowing myself to surrender and be along for the ride. Learning to trust and let life flow. Tuning into myself and what it is that I need at this moment and knowing that there is no need for me to jump or rush or force. That all will be revealed when it is time.
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