In the week I've been back from Spain, I have woken up most days in a rush, in a panic, with an anxiety burning in my chest. I hear the alarm, blink open my eyes, and think, "So Now What?" Where to go, what to do, nothing to do, no one is here, man this sucks. Today was better. After Reiki, yoga, and some wonderful conversations yesterday, I felt more grounded, more present, more in "me". I have hopped on the family membership that my sister has at a local fitness center (Thank You!!!) and have decided I will be filling my days with a combination of writing and classes, and eventually getting some "real work" in there. What does that even mean though, work? When I say it I guess I mean something I am monetarily compensated for, something that allows me to live the life I want to live, to live comfortably, safely, and freely. Because the truth is, at this point, I am not doing that on my own. I am back at my parents house in a spare room (Thank You!), contributing with cleaning and cooking, but not able to afford my own apartment, really have my own space, or do the things I'd like to do, freely. I am appreciative but am learning that in order to maintain myself, because the truth is, I am the only one that can maintain myself, there must always be a give and take. And patience and planning and responsibility. Not everything's roses and candy and rainbows. Well, yes. I believe there is definitely a life of love and connection and freedom and that is what we're all here for, but there is also effort and challenge and some not so pleasant things. I'm learning. I'm remembering. Yin and yang. You're always going to have to do some dirty work, to clean the toilet, to take out the trash, that's just the way it is. And the trick is, as Alan Watts likes to put it, "to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play." With everything. Our perceptions of good and bad, of love and hate, of sitting back and getting down to work, it is all just play. We're just riding along these waves, these ups and downs, the cycles and rhythms of this life. Even though sometimes it all just really seems to suck.
Another thing I'm learning... I'm remembering, is slowness. The value of taking time. Of slowing down. Of taking it easy. The value of moving with gentleness, of tuning in. I just got out of a Feldenkrais class which was incredible. For those of you who have not heard about this method, it was developed by an Israeli Engineer, Moshe Feldenkrais, after healing his own injury using these techniques. It is a method that teaches better posture and improves quality of life by bringing awareness to gentle movements of the body. It is wonderful! I first tried it with my dear friend Dorota while living in the city, as she was working towards her certification and used me as a guinea pig. After a session you feel so much more in your body and move about with much more awareness.
So I saw the class was offered and decided to go. Side note: something that I do a lot is create metaphors, for everything. I may hear someone talk about a pot of boiling water and relate it to life. It just happens, my mind works in that way. Small and large, here and there, zooming in and out, all over. So while laying on the red, blue, yellow, green gymnastics mats, in the second floor room of the wellness center, here in my snowy hometown of Summit, New Jersey, I was transported. For a moment I forgot where I was - had I returned to Spain? Was I in New York? Am I awake or asleep? And I listened to her gentle yet firm directions. "Move slowly. When we move quickly it upsets our minds and our bodies. When we move slowly, we give out mind time to adjust, to learn, to reorganize to a new way of being." Whoah, did she just say that? For me, it was not just about the gentle movements of this class and its relationship to my mind at this moment, this was a reminder to me of my life, of my habits, of what I am here to do.
I've spent so long moving and going and all over the place. Sure, it's been fun, it's been life-changing, and I would never trade all of these experiences for anything, ever, but it's also fucking exhausting. Not knowing where or when or what or why. And the truth is we never really do, but if we just sit, if we be still, if we take a moment, if we get quiet, things might just start to make sense. When we take the time to allow our bodies to adjust, to relax, we might just see that all the questions we have, all that we seek to find, all that we seek to answer, is already here, is already within us, waiting for us to sit the *uck down, chill the *uck out, and just be.
Seriously. I don't tend to curse, but sometimes, just sometimes, it matters. It's not just sit down, it's sit the *uck down... because it's time. It's not just chill out, its chill the *uck out... because it's time. And, to be honest, I'm stubborn as *uck and I always seem to forget. So I go round and round and round the same bush, the same wheel, wondering why things never change or why they stay the same. The truth is no one knows what they're doing and no one knows exactly how or what or why or when. And the difference in your experience is simply whether you trust and you love and you go with it. Do you go with it or do you fight it? Do you accept reality as it is right now or do you work against it?
It's an interesting dance. This dance. This life.
Stopping and going. Sitting and standing. Moving fast and moving slow.
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