Mind Chatter

Friday, February 9th, 2018

I'm barely making it out of bed. Yes, it's like that. Negative thoughts, helpless feelings, I'm doing what I can but man I was not expecting this. Though I do accept full responsibility, for putting myself here, again. So I get myself up, pull the covers back.

I play my meditation three times round because the chatter of my mind distracts me from actually paying attention to my body. I clench my hands and my body tightens, why can't I relax? What is all of this trying to tell me. I finally manage to listen to what the soft, soothing voice is saying. All is well, a divine white light heals me and cleanses me, offers guidance. Need that, a lot of it now. What am I doing back here? To learn. Take care, Lauren, take care.

I get out of bed, shower, walk to the bus. I wait in this cold. I wait. I call the hospital to see what my options are for getting my knee checked out. Nothing. Not a New Jersey resident, can't do anything. This is America. The bus arrives. I dump $1.60 in change into the meter. I haven't rode the bus in so long. I enjoy this new yet old experience. I remember.

"Have a good day ma'am," comments the driver, as I make my way off the bus. "You, too!" I call back to him. I wonder if his day was as heavy as mine; if he had to drag himself out of bed, repeat over and over to himself affirmations of why he's here and what is good and positive about his life. And maybe it's even worse. Does everybody do this? Man, it's wild.

I arrive a few minutes late to the building. The woman sees me and asks, "Meditation?" "Yes, I am a bit late and not sure if I can still go." "Yea, no problem, they are just starting, go right up." I had read about a mindfulness meditation group that met as this community center in downtown Summit and I decided to join their sit that Friday morning. All quiet, bringing attention back to the breath, calm, silence, observation. My mind raced, it screamed, my body wanted to run, I felt my eyes were moving back and forth, so much pent up energy, so many ideas running into and out of, this was intense. Extreme. Almost unbearable. When asked our experience at the end, I shared how challenging it was especially with everything going on in my life at the moment. She responded, "All that is going on is what we call our 'life story', because the truth is it is not happening right now. It is useful to watch it, to see it, and know that it does not exist in this moment." She was right, of course, but it didn't make it any easier. It didn't make all the wild, racing, shaking, crushing thoughts any lighter. When I opened my eyes, it helped. It grounded me in way. It was not easy to come back from it. That place, the groundlessness, that chaos of the mind.

If I remember correctly, this tends to happen in winter. Especially around the time I get my period - senses elevated, visions clearer, more attuned to the happenings. This is what it means to be human. This is what it means to be female. This is what it means to be alive. This is all a natural part of the process and we walk around in these bodies, playing these games, pretending that it's all okay. I've got to remember, this is Life, Lauren. This is all just a part of this Matrix, these games that we play. When I can begin to recognize it as it is and not get too stuck all up in it, then I can sit back and enjoy instead of fighting against what it is and thinking I need to change it and there's so many problems with it and blah blah blah. Life is suffering and everyone feels it, if you didn't you wouldn't be alive. But what do you choose to focus on, what do you bring more of into your life, from where do you wish to operate? MY friend said to me, "Do not compare other people's outward experiences to your inner experience." Man, that is powerful. This is just life, really. And the fighting, pushing, pulling is all just me not accepting it and fighting fighting fighting.

And I forget, what about what I stand for? Instead of fighting what I don't like and giving my attention to it, what do I want more of? What do I want to feel? Where do I want to spend time? What do I want to do? Focus my vision on that - what I love, what is good, what I am blessed with. And go towards that. Go towards light, love, a celebration of life.

I like to dance, I like to sing, I like to be outside, I like the sun, I like my friends, I like to see new things, go new places, I like to chill and relax (though that feeling seems a bit elusive at the moment). I want to feel that calm and peace again. Where did it go? I want to just be okay with things just as they are right now and stop beating myself up for never doing or being enough. I want to be kind, be gentle, be encouraging. I want to feel love. I want to share love. I want to melt into it.

So yea, all of this was probably happening in my head during the meditation, you see what I mean? To say that the day was challenging is accurate. It was not one where I was focused on all the abundance but rather on how can you help me and I need to be helped sort of thing. Pity party. Oh, my life sucks because I just came back from a life-changing experience and got to travel across my favorite country and am not sure how to begin from zero again since I didn't make any plans for my future self. IT's all you, Lauren. All you.