Taking Back Power

I am angry. I am pissed. I am frustrated and furious. That I was walking the Camino and let a series of distractions and emotionally-based decisions bring me half-way across the world (it's not the first time either), back to where I started, where I came from; back to my hometown in Summit, New Jersey. And not just my hometown, but a spare bedroom in my parent's house. I am furious with myself. I am back here - no job, no money, no idea what it is to do next. I feel I am scrambling but yet know this is all part of a process. There are places I'm revisiting, things that are coming back around, I see it, I feel it, and I observe. I have been making the same decisions and choose to be free of this.

I am tired of the drama, the manipulation, the heartache, the searching. I desire peace, calm, security, and responsibility. I don't want to run away any longer. I want to make the choices to do the things that are in my heart, and listen and live wholeheartedly, to show up bravely for this life that I have been given. To consciously create a life of abundance and love. I open up to it.

And the truth is because not doing so hurts. It hurts so badly. When you go against your heart, when you don't trust, when you don't allow your heart to dream and your mind to imagine, when you do not let go and so fall back into old ways of being, living, seeing.  There is so much discomfort in it. So so much. And sometimes I just allow myself to sit in it, for too long, for too much, the victim, instead of fighting. Fighting with all I've got, for a better life, a better place, a more suitable situation. I tend to judge this whole process, the sitting here in this place with these feelings, like I'm stunting myself, like I'm doing everything all wrong, like I'm not in the right place and I just want to run and run and run.

I guess that's why I'm back here in a way. To learn to see what I did not see before. To accept. To forgive. To be easy with myself and the people around me. To be in a place with the people who challenge me most, the surroundings that challenge me most, and choose to see not the obstacles but the opportunities. To turn inward, into myself, with my breath, my source, my light, to learn to ground myself, take care of myself, maintain my own practices despite the circumstances. To be grateful for all of this experience and all that it serves to teach me. To embody and accept all that I am and let it shine out, not concerned with what anyone else thinks. To stop comparing my life and my journey to anyone else around me, because it is just not the same. To love myself, to trust myself, to listen to all that I am and all that I desire and to quit waiting and wishing and hoping. To live it and to be it. To fight for myself and this life I've been given. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Each and every breath.