I forget, I REMEMBER...

There have been so many signs. Signs over time. And yes, you may laugh, people joke, "It's a sign, Lauren!"Well it is, really. All of it is pointing you and reminding you of, well, you. Everything is a mirror of your internal experience. If you are taking your time seriously and valuing it, then you will attract people and situations that, too, value you and your time, space, energy. If you believe in yourself, your vision, your mission, you will attract situations, people, and energy that also value you. If you are dilly dallying and wasting your most precious resource, time, then, well, life will reflect it. By distracting you and sending you people who do not add value, or, even, who suck it out of you, since, well, you haven't shown that you care all that much.

I am learning this the hard way. Thinking my time is endless and being careless with my energy, my space, my words, life gives it back to me and it hurts. Having been vegan and having been deep into my practices has shown me how good it can feel to be in alignment with nature, source, creator, so when I waver, when I falter, when I go off of it all, it hurts, it is damaging, it is like self-inflicted pain. It's that intense. Do you know what I mean? Have you experienced this at all?

It's like an addiction of sorts, to suffering, to chaos, to disorder. I know deep down how much I desire peace, serenity, quiet, calm. And I know, I remember the feeling. And yet, somehow, someway there is a deep deep connection to pain, and while at the moment I feel it physically, it is an energetic and psychic pain, which is really the worst. I have been saying how I am deeply disappointed with humans hehe Because we mostly take things at face value, by what we can see. When, in truth, there are so many layers to what is manifest in physical form. It takes a miracle of sorts for something to be presented and channeled and actually released into the physical realm. There are steps. There is time. There is work. There is much much more than we know, can fathom, or believe. And often we judge ourselves against these images, these perceptions of reality which are not, in fact, related to where we are in our process at all.

I often hear that I am being hard on myself, that I am being super judgmental and critical of where I am at. This could be true, but I am also tired. i am frustrated, upset, angry, and saddened over the reality of my seeming incompetence. I know I am highly skilled, highly intelligent, and have very much to share with others, however, simultaneously there is a sort of feeling of self denial, of disbelief, of feeling completely inadequate and unimportant. Like what I want doesn't matter, that how I feel doesn't matter, that my words are unimportant and not necessary, that my needs, desires, and vision is ridiculous and foolish. Impossible. This is what I deal with now on the day to day. While I would never ever ever wish that upon anyone, not my parents, my teachers, my students, my future children, none! Why am I so horribly horrible to ME? I am seeking support and help in various forms, a coach, a therapist, a support group. To deal with this deep deep feeling of unworthiness and incapability (is that even a word) that seems to have poisoned my mind and ravaged my system. In reflection I can see that it is me judging me, that I am different, unique, special, and have a lot to share. This makes me stand out and not fit in, and this is what I doubt. I feel the need to try and fit myself into a box, to be just like all the others, yet this is what hurts me, depletes me, chains me, distorts me. It is taking the wildest wild and caging. It is taking the most beautiful beauty and dulling, it is taking the most colorful color and fading, taking the most beautiful song and muting. And why? Because it hurts to see the others shine. When you so fear it yourself. I am not here to dim just because they have fear to do it. I am a star and meant to shine, brilla brilla corazon mia. 

Notes from before: 

I'm not sure how pleasure has become so foreign. 

How feeling good has become a far-off vision, a dream, a memory, a blurry image-like mirage. 

Is it the world we are living in? 

All Quiet on the Western Front.

Out there, 

Yet deep down there's a burning,

 a fire bubbling, 

lava disrupting, 

boiling, 

raging.

It's been building up and dwelling just below the surface. 

This rage, this fire, this flame. 

It has long been sitting aside as things go by, time, people, places

Quietly in resistance, holding its place. 

These flames cannot be tamed forever, 

these fires long to burn to rage, 

to ravage, tear down, destroy, make way.

Out with the old and in with the new. 

this is the way.

Otherwise 

Self destruction

from the inside

Out.

This is what I say. 

There is a war being waged and it begins within. 

No es el mundo el que necesita paz, sino las personas. Cuando las personas estén en paz, el mundo estará en paz. Prem Rawat

Out of the Way and Into the Heart

On the Road Again. I get to the train station with my backpack and a whole journey ahead. I’ve decided to head upstate to spend the weekend at @anandaashram, a place of study and contemplation that’s been on my radar for a couple of years now. This week I spoke with the crew, organized volunteering and booked my space. Excited and nervous, unsure what to expect, I set off. At the platform, the conductor asks, “Will you be joining us?” “No, I’m headed to New York.” I reply as I adjust the straps on my backpack. The Camino taught me much about how to wear these things correctly and comfortably, though there’s still much to learn!

I see a man across the platform and I ask “Are you going to the city?” “Mmm you speak Spanish?” He asks as he removes his sunglasses. “Si, si,” I reply. A huge smile crosses his face and his eyes begin to sparkle. We talk ceaselessly of travel, Colombia, salsa dancing, he’s on his way to the city for the first time ever. I recommend places for him to go. It all flows. We board the train, a young woman across the way hears us and chimes in. “Perdón, eres de Ecuador?” “No, pero estudié allí en Quito.” “Soy de Quito!” And we add another to our conversation. A beautiful young traveler woman asks out loud “Is there an outlet here?” I had just asked myself the same question as my battery was getting low. We shuffle over to plug our phones in. I look across the train and there’s an advertisement for a healing center with reiki, yoga, acupuncture, and all things that I love. As we are getting ready to walk out into Penn Station, I ask the girl, “Are you visiting?” “No, I  go to NYU and just got back from a semester in Argentina... and I’m off to Ghana next week. I heard you all speaking Spanish. What country are you from?” “I’m from here.” “Oh wow, me too and I’m Cuban but never learned before traveling.” “Same with me.” We smile at each other and we’re off. 

I head through the crowds with my backpack and yoga mat and feel for the first time in a while that I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to. People ask me for directions, I point them in the right direction. I’m talking, sharing, asking, trusting. I get to Port Authority hoping there is a bus soon so that I get upstate within the given hours, of course these are all things I probably could have planned earlier but life just hasn’t been that way... for a while, or maybe ever. I buy my ticket and have an hour to spare. I turn around and see a familiar face. An Instagram friend and follower, fellow seeker, creative, we met once before, crossing paths in Harlem before the Camino. We walk up to each other and share a hug. We speak of our travels, of yoga, of sharing, of community. It all flows and he’s off. Now this is what it feels like to be in the vortex, the stream of life, to be allowing and receiving, to be in alignment with what it is you are here to do. All laying out before you, a red carpet, one dominos after the next. All for you, all because of you. All is you. How the universe unfolds when we get out of the way and allow ourselves to ride the wave. To move into the heart. Thankful for this guidance. Thankful to receive and allow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Not Giving a F***

Working on it.

Time + Energy + Money = F***s

Do the Work. Get on Your Way.

"You cannot charm your way into what you want. You have to do the work." She messages me. I have been bugging out. But why? When? How? What am I supposed to do with this?

My high school Spanish teacher was such an inspiration the other day. She has made a masterpiece of her life. She acknowledges that for as long as she can remember she has hopped on any opportunity that came her way, believing in herself and her abilities to step up, do the work, and hit it out of the park. "You are the magician of your life. Whatever is given to you, you make the best of it." Wow. So simple. Why hadn't I seen this or lived this even though I have "known" this for a while?

There is such a difference between "knowing" in our minds and "knowing" in our bodies, in our hearts, in our beings. It's like how I know that yoga, meditation, and being outdoors are good for me but there is something so strong and so so persistent that wants me to do anything but. I know I love to be around people, having meaningful conversations, making plans, dreaming big, and coming together, yet there's a part of me that wants to stay alone, to isolate, to do nothing and forget about it all. It doesn't matter, does it? I don't matter that much in all of this, do I? What a hater. Seriously. And sometimes the hater comes on strong. In the spiritual community we would call this our "Shadow self", the dark bits of ourselves that stay hidden, stay deep deep down there, hidden from view much of the time, but they hold a strong grip on us if we do not recognize them and learn to work with them.

It's happening now. It's come up again. This fear, this gripping, this lack of, never enough, nothing is good enough. I want to scream, I want to run, yet I know. There is a part of me that knows. That is not the answer. I cherish the friends who remind me out here. on this plane. "You cannot run from yourself, Lauren." "Wherever you go there you are." "You've been running and it hasn't worked for you." "You cannot charm your way." I'm realizing there is no shortcut to what I am working towards. There is no easy way out or easy way in or easy way up. If you try to cut the line, you'll surely be pulled back to the end, and end up waiting longer and with a storm could over head. There is no cheating this path, there is no fleeing your destiny, there is no running from it or hiding away from it. It will pull you, it will push you, it'll ring in your ears and vibrate in your chest. It'll smack you across the face, over the head, or on the ass. It'll light a fire to your feet and kick start you into motion. And if not it'll churn and burn and ring you into the most uncomfortable fidgety mess. Though terrifying, I'm realizing it's got to be much easier to just Listen. To do the work. Even though you may not feel like it. Even though you may never feel like it. Motivation is made through momentum. Through showing up and getting started. Through arriving again and again and again. If you don't use it you lose it, they say. So get going. Get on your way.

Say YES! To Your Weirdness

Follow the gluten-free bread crumb trail back to yourself.

You were made with this weirdness.

You don't need to go anywhere or change anything to find it.

All that is needed is for you to remove the layers and layers of "normal" that you've put on as protection, to keep yourself from being seen.

Instead of searching for approval in normalcy, love and respect yourself enough to shed the layers and honor the weirdness that has been gifted to you.

Un-Bloomed

I try everything,

And nothing.

I choose both,

And none.

By not fully being

In any place,

I watch,

Observe,

Outside,

Seeing them grow, change, build together.

I stay here,

Watching.

Safe

Solitary

Alone.

In this cocoon,

Unborn.

In this bud,

Un-bloomed.

Til I Return Home

These plastic, shrink-wrapped thighs and painted faces.
These cubicles and cookie-cutter places.
They suck me.
They drain me.
With their fluorescent blaring lights.
My soul screams.
It begins to take notice.
It tightens, it shakes, it tingles.
This is not it.
So much energy to bring my presence.
To strengthen
To stand strong.
To know myself.
To love myself.
And stay rooted
To the Earth from which I came.
Which supports me, which grounds me
Which calls me, my name.
Remember who you are.
Be in it.
Own it.
Do not shrink your voice, your message, your song.
But that longing for the place I belong
It’s there, it’s real, it won’t be too long.
Til I return home.

Do Not Let Yourself Be Tamed

Do not let yourself be tamed. Do not shrink down in fear and hurt and shame. Feel it. Feel all of it and know. This is not the end. This is part of the process, part of who you are and what you are becoming. You are enough as you are so be true and listen. Listen. Listen. Do what is in you to do. Say what is in you to say. Be who is in you to be. Do not let yourself be tamed. Be wild and free in this world that seeks to tether you. To name you. To brand you. To call you by name. You are nameless. Timeless. Your every word and action, color, shape, sound. Let it out. Get it out. Put it out there. Do not hold back. Do not let yourself be  tamed.

11:13 PM Friday February 23rd 2018
Summit NJ
After watching FRIDA.

Bruja Life

As I was writing the last post, I hear a young girl on the main floor of the library (I am sitting on the second story, open-floor scheme balcony) talking about paranormal psychology, lights flickering being spirits communicating and she is asking the librarian to help her with her search. She is high-energy, fidgety, she gets up and runs around the center island, jumps into the librarian's seat and begins to search for on the computer. "Who is this girl?", I think to myself. What a character. The librarian comes back, reminding the girl, "You know, you're not supposed to do that." "I know, I know, I just really want to find these books!" The librarian asks again, "So what exactly do you want to search for?" "Paranormal psychology, or maybe, like, I don't know if that will show up, so maybe spirits, ghosts, something like that. I know, I know, it's weird, like, you don't usually hear 14-year-olds talking about these sort of things, but I just love it." I think to myself, I know all about these things. This girl is psychic, this girl has got it and she's so young. I know what she's looking for. Go. I get up, leave my things at my chair and head down to speak with her.

I walk up to them, "I overheard you all talking and I thought I would come down and offer to point you in the right direction." They both smiled and gasped and were surprised by my clarity and confidence. "Are you a scientist?" the girl asked, hands cupped over her cheeks in excitement. Her pink-rimmed glasses laid gently on her flawless milky white skin, I remember those days. She was tall, slim and wore a black and white patterned shirt, long and flowing over jeans. I liked her style. She was probably wearing converse, just like me. "No, I'm not." Ohhh, disappointment crossed their faces. "Are you a psychologist?" They were interested to figure out just who I was and why I had chosen to come up to them. "No, I'm not." Again, puzzled.  "I'm a teacher. I teach yoga, meditation, and was a school teacher for many years. Now I'm beginning to do work related to this field, kind of transitioning, it's what I do." "What do you mean it's what you do?" the neatly dressed librarian asked me. She appeared to be of my age or a bit older, her crisp collared shirt fit perfectly into her cardigan and her long, blonde hair, dyed highlights slightly grown in caressed her shoulders. Perfectly put together, this is suburban New Jersey.

"I mean, well yoga has been my entry-way into the world of energy, of spirit, and I've done a lot of reading on it, right now I'm beginning to see how I can use this and share it." "Oh my god, so cool! I am super interested in all this stuff like when I'm thinking of a song and it comes on the radio, or thinking of a person and I see them, like witchcraft and.." the girl moves her body about and twists and fidgets her hands. "Yes, that is what I do." "You're a witch?" "Well, we all are really, we all have the power to pick up on these symbols and things that are around us all the time, just some of us are more sensitive to it and more able to pick up on these things." The librarian chimes in, "Really? Why is it that these things happen? Like I was thinking about Tom Paddley and then a few days later I ran into Tom Paddley." "Yes, exactly, because you created it or you knew it was going to happen." Her head rocked back on her neck, she thought, it seemed she had never heard or thought of this before. "What? That's amazing!" the teenage witch-in-training exclaimed. You're amazing, I thought. How cool.

"Come on, I'll show you the books." And the story begins.

Keepin' it Together

What is this lurking cloud, this storm-like blackness that dulls and seeps and downpours over me? My throat clenches as my head tingles and chest burns. It's still here. Well I guess I haven't done anything differently. It's like I'm fleeing the moment instead of sitting calmly and patiently in it. When I sit in  here, quietly, calmly, peacefully, knowing. All is well. But there's this switch, the mental noise, a trigger, memories, habits, on repeat. Go, go, go. What is it that I run from? And why do I stay with what doesn't feel good? Why do I stay with what drains my energy? I begin to isolate and self hate. No no no! I've been here before and this is not what I choose. I choose love, I choose light, I choose togetherness, I choose community, I choose open, honest communication, I choose emotion, to e-mote, honesty, integrity, responsibility. I choose to align myself with individuals and community who value what I value and who seek to grow in love, seek to grow in light, seek to grow in opportunity and creativity and hope. For a better world, a better place.

I choose to love myself, to honor myself, to move towards what feels right. To leave behind all that does not serve me.

Taking Back Power

I am angry. I am pissed. I am frustrated and furious. That I was walking the Camino and let a series of distractions and emotionally-based decisions bring me half-way across the world (it's not the first time either), back to where I started, where I came from; back to my hometown in Summit, New Jersey. And not just my hometown, but a spare bedroom in my parent's house. I am furious with myself. I am back here - no job, no money, no idea what it is to do next. I feel I am scrambling but yet know this is all part of a process. There are places I'm revisiting, things that are coming back around, I see it, I feel it, and I observe. I have been making the same decisions and choose to be free of this.

I am tired of the drama, the manipulation, the heartache, the searching. I desire peace, calm, security, and responsibility. I don't want to run away any longer. I want to make the choices to do the things that are in my heart, and listen and live wholeheartedly, to show up bravely for this life that I have been given. To consciously create a life of abundance and love. I open up to it.

And the truth is because not doing so hurts. It hurts so badly. When you go against your heart, when you don't trust, when you don't allow your heart to dream and your mind to imagine, when you do not let go and so fall back into old ways of being, living, seeing.  There is so much discomfort in it. So so much. And sometimes I just allow myself to sit in it, for too long, for too much, the victim, instead of fighting. Fighting with all I've got, for a better life, a better place, a more suitable situation. I tend to judge this whole process, the sitting here in this place with these feelings, like I'm stunting myself, like I'm doing everything all wrong, like I'm not in the right place and I just want to run and run and run.

I guess that's why I'm back here in a way. To learn to see what I did not see before. To accept. To forgive. To be easy with myself and the people around me. To be in a place with the people who challenge me most, the surroundings that challenge me most, and choose to see not the obstacles but the opportunities. To turn inward, into myself, with my breath, my source, my light, to learn to ground myself, take care of myself, maintain my own practices despite the circumstances. To be grateful for all of this experience and all that it serves to teach me. To embody and accept all that I am and let it shine out, not concerned with what anyone else thinks. To stop comparing my life and my journey to anyone else around me, because it is just not the same. To love myself, to trust myself, to listen to all that I am and all that I desire and to quit waiting and wishing and hoping. To live it and to be it. To fight for myself and this life I've been given. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Each and every breath.

Choices that Can Change Your Life

                                                                    Relevant.
Live an integrous life.
Wisdom or Woe. Your choice.
Take risks - How many of our greatest fears have actually really happened? How many of the most wonderful things that happened to us did we actually have anything to do with? Don't take the safe path, don't look backwards for guidance. Be in the newness.
Choose new words. Lethal: Entitled, Blame, Deserve. Remove them! Bless each day.

Mind Chatter

Friday, February 9th, 2018

I'm barely making it out of bed. Yes, it's like that. Negative thoughts, helpless feelings, I'm doing what I can but man I was not expecting this. Though I do accept full responsibility, for putting myself here, again. So I get myself up, pull the covers back.

I play my meditation three times round because the chatter of my mind distracts me from actually paying attention to my body. I clench my hands and my body tightens, why can't I relax? What is all of this trying to tell me. I finally manage to listen to what the soft, soothing voice is saying. All is well, a divine white light heals me and cleanses me, offers guidance. Need that, a lot of it now. What am I doing back here? To learn. Take care, Lauren, take care.

I get out of bed, shower, walk to the bus. I wait in this cold. I wait. I call the hospital to see what my options are for getting my knee checked out. Nothing. Not a New Jersey resident, can't do anything. This is America. The bus arrives. I dump $1.60 in change into the meter. I haven't rode the bus in so long. I enjoy this new yet old experience. I remember.

"Have a good day ma'am," comments the driver, as I make my way off the bus. "You, too!" I call back to him. I wonder if his day was as heavy as mine; if he had to drag himself out of bed, repeat over and over to himself affirmations of why he's here and what is good and positive about his life. And maybe it's even worse. Does everybody do this? Man, it's wild.

I arrive a few minutes late to the building. The woman sees me and asks, "Meditation?" "Yes, I am a bit late and not sure if I can still go." "Yea, no problem, they are just starting, go right up." I had read about a mindfulness meditation group that met as this community center in downtown Summit and I decided to join their sit that Friday morning. All quiet, bringing attention back to the breath, calm, silence, observation. My mind raced, it screamed, my body wanted to run, I felt my eyes were moving back and forth, so much pent up energy, so many ideas running into and out of, this was intense. Extreme. Almost unbearable. When asked our experience at the end, I shared how challenging it was especially with everything going on in my life at the moment. She responded, "All that is going on is what we call our 'life story', because the truth is it is not happening right now. It is useful to watch it, to see it, and know that it does not exist in this moment." She was right, of course, but it didn't make it any easier. It didn't make all the wild, racing, shaking, crushing thoughts any lighter. When I opened my eyes, it helped. It grounded me in way. It was not easy to come back from it. That place, the groundlessness, that chaos of the mind.

If I remember correctly, this tends to happen in winter. Especially around the time I get my period - senses elevated, visions clearer, more attuned to the happenings. This is what it means to be human. This is what it means to be female. This is what it means to be alive. This is all a natural part of the process and we walk around in these bodies, playing these games, pretending that it's all okay. I've got to remember, this is Life, Lauren. This is all just a part of this Matrix, these games that we play. When I can begin to recognize it as it is and not get too stuck all up in it, then I can sit back and enjoy instead of fighting against what it is and thinking I need to change it and there's so many problems with it and blah blah blah. Life is suffering and everyone feels it, if you didn't you wouldn't be alive. But what do you choose to focus on, what do you bring more of into your life, from where do you wish to operate? MY friend said to me, "Do not compare other people's outward experiences to your inner experience." Man, that is powerful. This is just life, really. And the fighting, pushing, pulling is all just me not accepting it and fighting fighting fighting.

And I forget, what about what I stand for? Instead of fighting what I don't like and giving my attention to it, what do I want more of? What do I want to feel? Where do I want to spend time? What do I want to do? Focus my vision on that - what I love, what is good, what I am blessed with. And go towards that. Go towards light, love, a celebration of life.

I like to dance, I like to sing, I like to be outside, I like the sun, I like my friends, I like to see new things, go new places, I like to chill and relax (though that feeling seems a bit elusive at the moment). I want to feel that calm and peace again. Where did it go? I want to just be okay with things just as they are right now and stop beating myself up for never doing or being enough. I want to be kind, be gentle, be encouraging. I want to feel love. I want to share love. I want to melt into it.

So yea, all of this was probably happening in my head during the meditation, you see what I mean? To say that the day was challenging is accurate. It was not one where I was focused on all the abundance but rather on how can you help me and I need to be helped sort of thing. Pity party. Oh, my life sucks because I just came back from a life-changing experience and got to travel across my favorite country and am not sure how to begin from zero again since I didn't make any plans for my future self. IT's all you, Lauren. All you.

It's Life, Lauren

Written 1.26.18

"So how's the week been?" Terry asks as she walks over to me, light-blue sweater, pink turtle neck, thin-rimmed glasses and smile splashed across her face. Her short gray hair a bit disheveled after the class we just took. She is just so adorable, I thought to myself. I hope to be as happy as she is at her age. I didn't want to share with her all the turmoil I had put myself through this week, I dared to put it lightly. "It's been a rough week actually. You know the first week back is always exciting and new, revisiting, coming back..." "Then it's Reality, boom!" She says again with a chuckle, and an eye-thinning, heart-warming smile. I really didn't want to spread any gloom but she seemed receptive to hearing the truth. "Yea, exactly. I've been back for two weeks now and I feel like it's time for me to have everything in order, you know? Like have a job, be making money, have it all figured out." "Well, you've just come back from a really wonderful, life-changing experience and that is not easy to adjust from. You've left Spain, you've left the Camino..." I wondered how she remembered so much, so many details of my life, and I remember we shared such a lovely conversation last week at the library after I shared with the class that I had just returned from my walk. She used my name, Lauren, and spoke in a soft, slow voice. "Take your time, there is no hurry, be patient with yourself."

I went on to share with Terry other details of the transition and how it was seeming so challenging to me, to be back at this place that I have been before physically and emotionally and thinking that I wouldn't experience it again. She shared an anecdote with me.

A few weeks ago she had a visitor, Federico, I am assuming from Spain as she shared with me her passion for it, being a retired Spanish-language teacher, and all of the connections she still maintains there. Before his visit, she was busy running around cleaning the house, getting things prepared, buying food, planning everything, and just after he left, she became sick and took a whole week to recover. Stress. She was describing all of it to the teacher one day after class and she recommended Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart and asked a series of questions. Do you think he knows how much stress you are under? There is no way he could understand because he is so much younger than you, in a different state of mind, and most importantly, because you did not share it with him. If you do not communicate your feelings with him, how do you expect him to know or understand?

Terry added to this that Federico and his sister visited two years ago, and she was even more exhausted after that trip. "His sister just loved to shop and shop and shop. And it's not that I wouldn't have gone with her, but it was just too much, and I'm too old, and I got tired. But because I never said anything to her, she didn't know." She went on, "So I am telling you this, Lauren, because I am seventy-seven years old and this is a journey. This is life. It's dipping your toe in, feeling it, giving it a try. It's not always going to be or to turn out as you thought but it's mostly just giving it a try and doing your best. It is a process." I started crying. She stood there before me with a huge smile on her face. "It's okay, Lauren, you are going through a lot."

I though to myself, how could she be smiling so widely when there is so much pain? How does she after all of these years and all of the things she must have felt and continues to feel, be there smiling? I just couldn't grasp it at that moment. And then I remember, she is alive. She is breathing. She is here to tell me this story. For that she is thankful. This is life.

Coming Home

I step out and onto the pavement. The sun glares at my face. The blue skies clear. The crisp air hits my nose. I’m alive. I’m out here. It seems like forever. I pull up my GPS. Lee Highway it says. I walk where I see the sign. I’m singing to myself, glad to have made it out of the manufactured tower, the hotel room turned home, the circulated air that churns and twists its way through zig-zagging pipes, mazing their ways into and out of each cubicle-like home. Concrete jungle in winter. Is there anything more depressing than this?

I searched the internet “cool neighborhoods DC”. I wanted to find the artists, the creatives, the musicians, the city art, graffiti, the dirt, real life, character, life. I read of Dupont Circle, Logan Circle, Columbia Heights, Eastern Market. And somewhere in the various articles that I skimmed through, I saw something about U Street, “The Harlem of DC”. Well since I used to live in Harlem, Harlem, like New York City Harlem, I thought to myself, “That’s it”. Uncertain as to how or where, I chose to take a twenty minute subway ride instead of an hour, besides, the point was to be outside in the fresh air, seeing and remembering life, right? So adding more minutes inside a tube soaring past stops, time traveling into the past and future, laminate seats that haven’t been updated from their funky seventies colors is just not what I’m here for.

Let me preface by saying, I’m on a visit to DC. Funded by my sister who knows me, loves me, and wants to help me out. I’ve been sinking into a sort of depression again. Well, not sort of, it’s real. I’ve been here before so it is familiar. I know what this is and it’s not a fun place to be. It takes a lot to recover and it’s a super painful process. The thing that frustrates me is I thought I was over this. I thought I wouldn’t go here again. I thought I was on the other side. And I guess the fact that I have this awareness at this moment does say something. I am able to reach out for help in ways that I did not know before. I have tools I can use with myself that I did not have before. I also have a community of people on the path of healing who know me and love me and are encouraging this process. These people who are kicking butt and taking names, who are living their truth, being authentic, and open and free with themselves and the world. That is who I want to be. And for whatever reason, I’m not there yet.

I’m sitting on the sidelines watching the game go by. I’m not playing. I’m on the team, I’m here, I’ve practiced, but I’m not putting it into action. And it’s my choice. What am I holding back for? Why am I not speaking up and standing up for myself, putting myself out there? What am I so afraid of? And it’s not just myself that I hold back, it’s the reason I’m here, my message that I stifle, it’s my divine mission, my purpose, my place here and now, my divine nature. And that shit hurts. Like, aching in my chest, shortness of breath, forgetting to breathe, mind-bursting, headache-inducing hurts

So yes, it’s like a freezing in my chest. I feel it strongly. And since I’ve began to study this world, I know it too well. The chakras. Energy. Vibration. Thought. Intention. This is all real. My heart feels wounded. And what seems to be happening is that there is a tendency to ice it over. To shield it. To cover it all up and protect myself. To retreat. To hide and go back. To curl up. To stop participating. And I know to well what this means. This is not a place I wish to return. It is death, ultimately. It is a slow but sure process of the undo-ing of your life work, your fabric, your potential. It is sitting in misery and allowing your mind to be cluttered by garbage, by useless information and “What ifs” and worse case scenarios that never actually happen.

This is for real. And it’s wild to share about, but so so necessary. As I am on this healing journey, and I know I am not alone. If you are reading this, you are probably there, too.

So I choose Logan circle and I hit the streets. I walk up to a woman to ask for a quick re-direct towards the metro, once I find my way off of the side-of-the-highway roads and am into what looks like a downtown area. She flinches a bit and steps back. Her timid eyes blinking behind her glasses as she clutches her accordion folder against her chest. Just because I want to ask a question. I choose love instead. I smile, “Hi, good morning, do you know where the nearest subway stop is?” It seems she is surprised by my friendliness, and points me around the corner towards a “detour” sign. I thank her and continue on. U street in mind. Not sure why or where, on the road.

My sister said she had charged the metro pass so I tapped it. I tapped it. I tapped it. Insufficient fare. Okay, let me go figure this out. I have no money to my name, so I charge it to a credit card that I have somehow managed to continue to pay. This is bad. Not a good situation. No money, A couple thousand dollars in debt. No job. Depression sinking in. What the hell is to come of this? I don’t know but I’m off to U Street.

I get off at Logan circle and follow the sun up the most tree-lined street I can find. There’s a park, trees, I am thankful. This city reminds me of Boston. I studied there in college and this was bringing me back. I find Vermont Avenue, an axis running diagonally, intersecting the parallel city streets, branching off and out of the the center city. There is something about the design of this place. I heard once that it mimics the layout of Paris. Not sure, but there is definitely a familiarity to it.

The letters move up the alphabet as I walk north - L - M - N. I wonder if I should be walking this much as my knee is still a bit injured from my walk across Spain. Yes, walk ACROSS Spain. The Camino de Santiago. I’ve been back for just over three weeks. This could explain a lot of what I’m going through here. Q-R-S-T. Getting closer, I can feel it. I see the lego block high rises turn to Victorian homes turn to  colorfully painted, San Francisco-esque front-yard-garden-patio-with-mix-matched-patio-furniture-and-empty-flower-pots row houses. I like this place. I begin to take pictures. I can feel it happening. Old school mixed with new school. I’m coming home. I walk up to the crossing, U Street. I’ve made it. This is just the beginning.

All is Coming

Since I last wrote I have sank into this sort of anxiety, the familiarity of it, this sinking, this stuckness, I haven’t felt this deep within my chest or tightness in my throat for a long time, though I remember it. This I can’t get out and don’t know what I’m doing here, everything sucks and this is never going to end sort of thing. It’s not a place I want to be and I don’t know why I continue to sit in it. Really. Just swimming in it. My mind races, my body vibrates, my heart thumps and my chest explodes with burning sensations while at the same time my body feels consumed, boiled over, numb. I’m paralyzed to move, to push, to change. I just want to do nothing. To stop. To wilt. To fade. No one would notice, right?

I get the sensation that this is the bud looking to burst open into the fresh spring air, a glimpse of the blue skies and the green grass, coming into its full expression, yet the comfort, the warmth, the safety of it’s bud is alluring. And then when I step out, I break into the light, I start that conversation, catch that person’s eye, I come back to life. I step in and allow. I connect. That’s just what it is. I connect and get out of my head and into my body, into my heart, into this life. Out of my whirling, twirling, mess of a mind that creates problems and finds issues everywhere it turns. I wonder, can’t I just sit with it all? Can’t I just face it? And is it this place? I know that it is not about the place necessarily because everything happens the same in every place, always, it is me and it is what I have within me to face, this glaring, wild, firey ball of fear, guilt, anger, frustration. And it grips and it seeks and it greedily holds onto any glimpse it has of showing its face. And I sit with it and I see it and I feel it consume me. But does sitting at home just sinking into this do anything?

Of course not. That is not what I’m here for. This short short life will be over before I know it and what I am here to do is share. Share my life, my love, my stories, my self with those to whom it may be useful. I don’t have time for this fear, this doubt, this seeking love and life from outside of me. So why do I choose to hide away? Why do I choose to stay still and quiet and want to go unnoticed? Even if it hurts, even if it pains me, even if it pains all those who long to see me shine? What is this all about? Why does the cycle repeat? Why am I back here to this place, these people, these feelings? What have I not learned and have chosen to come back around to?

I am only responsible for myself. I have no other obligation at all except to take care of me and sustain my own well being and the life I’d like to live. No one on this earth needs my help and attention more than I need my own. These patterns repeat because you still seek to ignore this fundamental reality. You are the only one who can give yourself permission to shine, to fail, to fall, to fly, to leap, to Love, to live. And that is what you want, isn’t it? To live? Or would you rather this all stop? What is it that you fear? From whom do you seek permission? From whom are you seeking Love? Only you can give that to yourself. Only you can make yourself proud. Only by doing what you love, what you are called here to do. The most important relationship of all is the one you have with your higher self, the divine, the creator, the one who has brought you here. Why don’t you listen? Why don’t you trust? It’s time to make moves in the direction of your dreams. In the direction of all that you desire. Run wild, and far, and free. It is your time, dear one. Let this all go and know that I’ve got you. All that you hope, desire, dream, is coming for you. Put your heart and your mind in it, put all of you, surrender to this wild and crazy life, the only one given to you, keep at it and I promise, all is coming.

Remember

And you know what?
I have to write
To let it out
To write it down
To remember.

In this space
In this way
I come back
Circling to
All that I know
I remember.

And when I don’t
I feel it all
Swirling round
Above my head
Waiting to be anchored
To the page
To be planted in the ground
To be remembered.

Where We’re Headed

All the same messages have been coming through. Take time to read, research, observe, be still and trust that all is happening just as it should. Gather information and hold strong amidst the seeming chaos, all is happening in divine timing, the best for all and for you. Also, animals, monkeys, owls, a connection to nature. What is clear is that it’s time to surrender. Surrender all thoughts that I have had about where or when or why, because apparently there is something else, something much larger, something unsaid, unknown, unheard, though I feel it stirring. So I am taking the time to come back to myself, to hold on and to adjust back, remembering to be patient with this process. Adjusting. Recalibrating. These things take time. It’s challenging when in my mind I want to know it and see it all this way now. But I am learning, I am being humbled, I am falling to my knees. I choose kindness. I choose love. I choose peace.

I am realizing that this is not about me and my wants and the life I had imagined for me. It is about how I fit into all of this and what my true purpose on this earth now is. And this is wild and crazy and freaks me out a whole lot. Because it’s big. It’s responsibility. It’s sacred. It’s no joke. This one life is for something and when we step in and see it, step in and know it, step in and claim it, the fabric of this world is transformed. I recognize the honor it is to be a part of this family, this group of friends, this country, this place, this time. I choose to see my role as a part in this rather than a burden with the weight of the times. Because really, it’s always the same story - light versus darkness, love versus hate, us versus them, and the time is coming for change, for a new paradigm, and we are here for this. I recognize all that I have ever done has prepared me, a warriors path and training, to be brought back to this life and this place as a message. To be shared. To transform. To become.

One with myself. One with others. One with all that is.

This is where we’re headed, this is where I’m headed, going along for the ride.

Looking for Love

 I tend to leap for Love. That sounds cheesy but it's true. I fall in love really easily. Not often, but when I do, I begin to envision our future together and all the possibilities and then make rushed and wild decisions in the name of keeping that connection going. It is a sort of control, out of fear, that if I don't act now it will be gone forever. And yes, to a certain extent it is true, these opportunities never come again, but the real truth is that what is meant for you is yours and will always find you, because it is you and it can never go away. It is within you and waiting for you to reveal yourself to it. There is no pressure for this love. There is merely gentleness and ease and trust. That is what I seek. Yet what has kept me from it is all the actions I have taken out of alignment with it, in the process of this learning.

While walking the Camino, it became clear to me that my resistance to things was revealing to me the places that I most deeply wished to go. Deep, deep within myself, on the soul level, these were the experiences that I had called in to grow and evolve into the person I am here to be. Speaking publicly, teaching, sharing, gaining confidence, writing books, using my gift for languages, and surprisingly, a family, a partner, a home. Really. In my 31 years on this planet I have never thought that I just may want to have a home and a partner and children, but on the Camino it was in my face, statues of mothers, families with children, happy couples, and I realized, I want that. I don't just want it in the sense to have it. But I really want it, to know and share that love. Perhaps that is why I leap. Why I jump.

I forget that things take time. As I operate mostly in realms not of this earth (thought, ideas, imagination, vibration, crown chakra!), matters of money, time, space tend to be issues in my life (survival, root chakra!). Still learning how to maneuver these things and ground myself here. When I meet someone and actually feel something, I immediately assume it and "know" it to be Love. I forget that love, just as anything takes time. Trust takes time. All relationships, all things here take time. Careful, precise, daily attention is what is needed to maintain and grow all things - plants, children, a project, a book, Love. So as I recognize and realize and remember, to ease myself in, be patient, take care, and look out for the  present and future Lauren, I know that each move matters. And that this Love I seek cannot be provided by a partner, by a job, by a place. It IS me. I AM it. My presence, my being, me.

All Will Be Revealed

The undercurrent of everything is Love. It does not matter what job you have, all the traveling to all of the most majestic places, if you don't have people to share it with or if you keep it all to yourself, the memories fade and die and do not grow. This is why it is essential. Despite how excrutiatingly painful it may seem to take that leap, to trust, to open, to be completely and wholely yourself, it is the only way to live. To let love in, to let love out, to share all of who you are and be open to the gifts of abundance that seek to find you and carry you. It is complete surrender.

But surrender not to another being, to someone or something outside of you, but rather to yourself and your future. Because ultimately, it is you. To give yourself to something or someone while also doing the work that is necessary and essential to maintain yourself, your strength, your integrity, changes everything.

I was thinking about this. About "toxic" environments or "toxic" people. I know that is real, as we are all in the process of healing, even this earth, too, is in this uncomfortable learning cycle. But what about our own healing capacities? The fact that our mere presence shifts the energy of a place and begins to heal it and everyone and everything that steps into that field? This is even MORE real. I see it in my life. Always. Everywhere.

I seem to find myself in places that need me. Need me in a sense that is not seen or really felt at the moment, but energetically there is a shift in energy, of movement, of releasing. I come in, I move things around, I clear energy, I sit with the discomfort, and before you know it, not just I have changed and returned back to my love, my heart, my home, but so has that person and environment, made more space for themselves, made an important decision, moved on and into more alignment.

So I find myself here at my parent's house in perhaps the same situation. There are so many puzzle pieces in movement in a family with five adult children, two dogs, two cats, several properties, grandparents homes and stuff, and a wild history in this small New Jersey town. Lots and lots of layers. Of releasing. Of letting go. Of moving more into what I want and what I need and what am I really here for. And what this family as it's history is moving towards and becoming. This is a big year. My 31st, my Camino, my sister's 30th, my brother's 25th, my youngest sister's final year of high school, my father reaching retirement, my mother's 60th - yea, exactly. A cosmic collision. So perhaps all of this inner turbulence makes sense, and I am supposed to be here.

And perhaps that is just it. The inner turbulence. I spoke to a dear friend of mine the other night and I told her I have this overwhelming anxiety and just want to leap, to jump, to leave, to go, and in her calm, soothing way she said, "Well that's what you've always done, Lauren. And if you do it, this will all just repeat again. This is normal, think about all that you have done in the past months, all that you've seen, all that you've learned, this is a big change. You need time. You need to process. To integrate. Work through it, choose differently, choose not to run." Buffff words of wisdom. And not just that, I told her, "You know I really feel like going into the mountains or a quieter more private place would be good for me right now." She returned, "Lauren, haven't you realized that the place doesn't matter?" And it was like a splash of cold water across my face. She was right. And it was one of the most important messages of the Camino that somehow (how conveniently) had slipped from my conscious mind. It is not the place, it is not the circumstance, it is me. Always me. I carry all of these things within me, everywhere that I go.

So for now I take some time to process, to reset, to integrate and reflect on what is happening to me, within me, around me, and what exactly is my role within it. Allowing myself to surrender and be along for the ride. Learning to trust and let life flow. Tuning into myself and what it is that I need at this moment and knowing that there is no need for me to jump or rush or force. That all will be revealed when it is time.