"You cannot charm your way into what you want. You have to do the work." She messages me. I have been bugging out. But why? When? How? What am I supposed to do with this?
My high school Spanish teacher was such an inspiration the other day. She has made a masterpiece of her life. She acknowledges that for as long as she can remember she has hopped on any opportunity that came her way, believing in herself and her abilities to step up, do the work, and hit it out of the park. "You are the magician of your life. Whatever is given to you, you make the best of it." Wow. So simple. Why hadn't I seen this or lived this even though I have "known" this for a while?
There is such a difference between "knowing" in our minds and "knowing" in our bodies, in our hearts, in our beings. It's like how I know that yoga, meditation, and being outdoors are good for me but there is something so strong and so so persistent that wants me to do anything but. I know I love to be around people, having meaningful conversations, making plans, dreaming big, and coming together, yet there's a part of me that wants to stay alone, to isolate, to do nothing and forget about it all. It doesn't matter, does it? I don't matter that much in all of this, do I? What a hater. Seriously. And sometimes the hater comes on strong. In the spiritual community we would call this our "Shadow self", the dark bits of ourselves that stay hidden, stay deep deep down there, hidden from view much of the time, but they hold a strong grip on us if we do not recognize them and learn to work with them.
It's happening now. It's come up again. This fear, this gripping, this lack of, never enough, nothing is good enough. I want to scream, I want to run, yet I know. There is a part of me that knows. That is not the answer. I cherish the friends who remind me out here. on this plane. "You cannot run from yourself, Lauren." "Wherever you go there you are." "You've been running and it hasn't worked for you." "You cannot charm your way." I'm realizing there is no shortcut to what I am working towards. There is no easy way out or easy way in or easy way up. If you try to cut the line, you'll surely be pulled back to the end, and end up waiting longer and with a storm could over head. There is no cheating this path, there is no fleeing your destiny, there is no running from it or hiding away from it. It will pull you, it will push you, it'll ring in your ears and vibrate in your chest. It'll smack you across the face, over the head, or on the ass. It'll light a fire to your feet and kick start you into motion. And if not it'll churn and burn and ring you into the most uncomfortable fidgety mess. Though terrifying, I'm realizing it's got to be much easier to just Listen. To do the work. Even though you may not feel like it. Even though you may never feel like it. Motivation is made through momentum. Through showing up and getting started. Through arriving again and again and again. If you don't use it you lose it, they say. So get going. Get on your way.
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