All is Coming

Since I last wrote I have sank into this sort of anxiety, the familiarity of it, this sinking, this stuckness, I haven’t felt this deep within my chest or tightness in my throat for a long time, though I remember it. This I can’t get out and don’t know what I’m doing here, everything sucks and this is never going to end sort of thing. It’s not a place I want to be and I don’t know why I continue to sit in it. Really. Just swimming in it. My mind races, my body vibrates, my heart thumps and my chest explodes with burning sensations while at the same time my body feels consumed, boiled over, numb. I’m paralyzed to move, to push, to change. I just want to do nothing. To stop. To wilt. To fade. No one would notice, right?

I get the sensation that this is the bud looking to burst open into the fresh spring air, a glimpse of the blue skies and the green grass, coming into its full expression, yet the comfort, the warmth, the safety of it’s bud is alluring. And then when I step out, I break into the light, I start that conversation, catch that person’s eye, I come back to life. I step in and allow. I connect. That’s just what it is. I connect and get out of my head and into my body, into my heart, into this life. Out of my whirling, twirling, mess of a mind that creates problems and finds issues everywhere it turns. I wonder, can’t I just sit with it all? Can’t I just face it? And is it this place? I know that it is not about the place necessarily because everything happens the same in every place, always, it is me and it is what I have within me to face, this glaring, wild, firey ball of fear, guilt, anger, frustration. And it grips and it seeks and it greedily holds onto any glimpse it has of showing its face. And I sit with it and I see it and I feel it consume me. But does sitting at home just sinking into this do anything?

Of course not. That is not what I’m here for. This short short life will be over before I know it and what I am here to do is share. Share my life, my love, my stories, my self with those to whom it may be useful. I don’t have time for this fear, this doubt, this seeking love and life from outside of me. So why do I choose to hide away? Why do I choose to stay still and quiet and want to go unnoticed? Even if it hurts, even if it pains me, even if it pains all those who long to see me shine? What is this all about? Why does the cycle repeat? Why am I back here to this place, these people, these feelings? What have I not learned and have chosen to come back around to?

I am only responsible for myself. I have no other obligation at all except to take care of me and sustain my own well being and the life I’d like to live. No one on this earth needs my help and attention more than I need my own. These patterns repeat because you still seek to ignore this fundamental reality. You are the only one who can give yourself permission to shine, to fail, to fall, to fly, to leap, to Love, to live. And that is what you want, isn’t it? To live? Or would you rather this all stop? What is it that you fear? From whom do you seek permission? From whom are you seeking Love? Only you can give that to yourself. Only you can make yourself proud. Only by doing what you love, what you are called here to do. The most important relationship of all is the one you have with your higher self, the divine, the creator, the one who has brought you here. Why don’t you listen? Why don’t you trust? It’s time to make moves in the direction of your dreams. In the direction of all that you desire. Run wild, and far, and free. It is your time, dear one. Let this all go and know that I’ve got you. All that you hope, desire, dream, is coming for you. Put your heart and your mind in it, put all of you, surrender to this wild and crazy life, the only one given to you, keep at it and I promise, all is coming.

Remember

And you know what?
I have to write
To let it out
To write it down
To remember.

In this space
In this way
I come back
Circling to
All that I know
I remember.

And when I don’t
I feel it all
Swirling round
Above my head
Waiting to be anchored
To the page
To be planted in the ground
To be remembered.

Where We’re Headed

All the same messages have been coming through. Take time to read, research, observe, be still and trust that all is happening just as it should. Gather information and hold strong amidst the seeming chaos, all is happening in divine timing, the best for all and for you. Also, animals, monkeys, owls, a connection to nature. What is clear is that it’s time to surrender. Surrender all thoughts that I have had about where or when or why, because apparently there is something else, something much larger, something unsaid, unknown, unheard, though I feel it stirring. So I am taking the time to come back to myself, to hold on and to adjust back, remembering to be patient with this process. Adjusting. Recalibrating. These things take time. It’s challenging when in my mind I want to know it and see it all this way now. But I am learning, I am being humbled, I am falling to my knees. I choose kindness. I choose love. I choose peace.

I am realizing that this is not about me and my wants and the life I had imagined for me. It is about how I fit into all of this and what my true purpose on this earth now is. And this is wild and crazy and freaks me out a whole lot. Because it’s big. It’s responsibility. It’s sacred. It’s no joke. This one life is for something and when we step in and see it, step in and know it, step in and claim it, the fabric of this world is transformed. I recognize the honor it is to be a part of this family, this group of friends, this country, this place, this time. I choose to see my role as a part in this rather than a burden with the weight of the times. Because really, it’s always the same story - light versus darkness, love versus hate, us versus them, and the time is coming for change, for a new paradigm, and we are here for this. I recognize all that I have ever done has prepared me, a warriors path and training, to be brought back to this life and this place as a message. To be shared. To transform. To become.

One with myself. One with others. One with all that is.

This is where we’re headed, this is where I’m headed, going along for the ride.

Looking for Love

 I tend to leap for Love. That sounds cheesy but it's true. I fall in love really easily. Not often, but when I do, I begin to envision our future together and all the possibilities and then make rushed and wild decisions in the name of keeping that connection going. It is a sort of control, out of fear, that if I don't act now it will be gone forever. And yes, to a certain extent it is true, these opportunities never come again, but the real truth is that what is meant for you is yours and will always find you, because it is you and it can never go away. It is within you and waiting for you to reveal yourself to it. There is no pressure for this love. There is merely gentleness and ease and trust. That is what I seek. Yet what has kept me from it is all the actions I have taken out of alignment with it, in the process of this learning.

While walking the Camino, it became clear to me that my resistance to things was revealing to me the places that I most deeply wished to go. Deep, deep within myself, on the soul level, these were the experiences that I had called in to grow and evolve into the person I am here to be. Speaking publicly, teaching, sharing, gaining confidence, writing books, using my gift for languages, and surprisingly, a family, a partner, a home. Really. In my 31 years on this planet I have never thought that I just may want to have a home and a partner and children, but on the Camino it was in my face, statues of mothers, families with children, happy couples, and I realized, I want that. I don't just want it in the sense to have it. But I really want it, to know and share that love. Perhaps that is why I leap. Why I jump.

I forget that things take time. As I operate mostly in realms not of this earth (thought, ideas, imagination, vibration, crown chakra!), matters of money, time, space tend to be issues in my life (survival, root chakra!). Still learning how to maneuver these things and ground myself here. When I meet someone and actually feel something, I immediately assume it and "know" it to be Love. I forget that love, just as anything takes time. Trust takes time. All relationships, all things here take time. Careful, precise, daily attention is what is needed to maintain and grow all things - plants, children, a project, a book, Love. So as I recognize and realize and remember, to ease myself in, be patient, take care, and look out for the  present and future Lauren, I know that each move matters. And that this Love I seek cannot be provided by a partner, by a job, by a place. It IS me. I AM it. My presence, my being, me.

All Will Be Revealed

The undercurrent of everything is Love. It does not matter what job you have, all the traveling to all of the most majestic places, if you don't have people to share it with or if you keep it all to yourself, the memories fade and die and do not grow. This is why it is essential. Despite how excrutiatingly painful it may seem to take that leap, to trust, to open, to be completely and wholely yourself, it is the only way to live. To let love in, to let love out, to share all of who you are and be open to the gifts of abundance that seek to find you and carry you. It is complete surrender.

But surrender not to another being, to someone or something outside of you, but rather to yourself and your future. Because ultimately, it is you. To give yourself to something or someone while also doing the work that is necessary and essential to maintain yourself, your strength, your integrity, changes everything.

I was thinking about this. About "toxic" environments or "toxic" people. I know that is real, as we are all in the process of healing, even this earth, too, is in this uncomfortable learning cycle. But what about our own healing capacities? The fact that our mere presence shifts the energy of a place and begins to heal it and everyone and everything that steps into that field? This is even MORE real. I see it in my life. Always. Everywhere.

I seem to find myself in places that need me. Need me in a sense that is not seen or really felt at the moment, but energetically there is a shift in energy, of movement, of releasing. I come in, I move things around, I clear energy, I sit with the discomfort, and before you know it, not just I have changed and returned back to my love, my heart, my home, but so has that person and environment, made more space for themselves, made an important decision, moved on and into more alignment.

So I find myself here at my parent's house in perhaps the same situation. There are so many puzzle pieces in movement in a family with five adult children, two dogs, two cats, several properties, grandparents homes and stuff, and a wild history in this small New Jersey town. Lots and lots of layers. Of releasing. Of letting go. Of moving more into what I want and what I need and what am I really here for. And what this family as it's history is moving towards and becoming. This is a big year. My 31st, my Camino, my sister's 30th, my brother's 25th, my youngest sister's final year of high school, my father reaching retirement, my mother's 60th - yea, exactly. A cosmic collision. So perhaps all of this inner turbulence makes sense, and I am supposed to be here.

And perhaps that is just it. The inner turbulence. I spoke to a dear friend of mine the other night and I told her I have this overwhelming anxiety and just want to leap, to jump, to leave, to go, and in her calm, soothing way she said, "Well that's what you've always done, Lauren. And if you do it, this will all just repeat again. This is normal, think about all that you have done in the past months, all that you've seen, all that you've learned, this is a big change. You need time. You need to process. To integrate. Work through it, choose differently, choose not to run." Buffff words of wisdom. And not just that, I told her, "You know I really feel like going into the mountains or a quieter more private place would be good for me right now." She returned, "Lauren, haven't you realized that the place doesn't matter?" And it was like a splash of cold water across my face. She was right. And it was one of the most important messages of the Camino that somehow (how conveniently) had slipped from my conscious mind. It is not the place, it is not the circumstance, it is me. Always me. I carry all of these things within me, everywhere that I go.

So for now I take some time to process, to reset, to integrate and reflect on what is happening to me, within me, around me, and what exactly is my role within it. Allowing myself to surrender and be along for the ride. Learning to trust and let life flow. Tuning into myself and what it is that I need at this moment and knowing that there is no need for me to jump or rush or force. That all will be revealed when it is time.

Slow It Down

In the week I've been back from Spain, I have woken up most days in a rush, in a panic, with an anxiety burning in my chest. I hear the alarm, blink open my eyes, and think, "So Now What?" Where to go, what to do, nothing to do, no one is here, man this sucks. Today was better. After Reiki, yoga, and some wonderful conversations yesterday, I felt more grounded, more present, more in "me". I have hopped on the family membership that my sister has at a local fitness center (Thank You!!!) and have decided I will be filling my days with a combination of writing and classes, and eventually getting some "real work" in there. What does that even mean though, work? When I say it I guess I mean something I am monetarily compensated for, something that allows me to live the life I want to live, to live comfortably, safely, and freely. Because the truth is, at this point, I am not doing that on my own. I am back at my parents house in a spare room (Thank You!), contributing with cleaning and cooking, but not able to afford my own apartment, really have my own space, or do the things I'd like to do, freely. I am appreciative but am learning that in order to maintain myself, because the truth is, I am the only one that can maintain myself, there must always be a give and take. And patience and planning and responsibility. Not everything's roses and candy and rainbows. Well, yes. I believe there is definitely a life of love and connection and freedom and that is what we're all here for, but there is also effort and challenge and some not so pleasant things. I'm learning. I'm remembering. Yin and yang. You're always going to have to do some dirty work, to clean the toilet, to take out the trash, that's just the way it is. And the trick is, as Alan Watts likes to put it, "to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play." With everything. Our perceptions of good and bad, of love and hate, of sitting back and getting down to work, it is all just play. We're just riding along these waves, these ups and downs, the cycles and rhythms of this life. Even though sometimes it all just really seems to suck.

Another thing I'm learning... I'm remembering, is slowness. The value of taking time. Of slowing down. Of taking it easy. The value of moving with gentleness, of tuning in. I just got out of a Feldenkrais class which was incredible. For those of you who have not heard about this method, it was developed by an Israeli Engineer, Moshe Feldenkrais, after healing his own injury using these techniques. It is a method that teaches better posture and improves quality of life by bringing awareness to gentle movements of the body. It is wonderful! I first tried it with my dear friend Dorota while living in the city, as she was working towards her certification and used me as a guinea pig. After a session you feel so much more in your body and move about with much more awareness.

So I saw the class was offered and decided to go. Side note: something that I do a lot is create metaphors, for everything. I may hear someone talk about a pot of boiling water and relate it to life. It just happens, my mind works in that way. Small and large, here and there, zooming in and out, all over. So while laying on the red, blue, yellow, green gymnastics mats, in the second floor room of the wellness center, here in my snowy hometown of Summit, New Jersey, I was transported. For a moment I forgot where I was - had I returned to Spain? Was I in New York? Am I awake or asleep? And I listened to her gentle yet firm directions. "Move slowly. When we move quickly it upsets our minds and our bodies. When we move slowly, we give out mind time to adjust, to learn, to reorganize to a new way of being." Whoah, did she just say that? For me, it was not just about the gentle movements of this class and its relationship to my mind at this moment, this was a reminder to me of my life, of my habits, of what I am here to do.

I've spent so long moving and going and all over the place. Sure, it's been fun, it's been life-changing, and I would never trade all of these experiences for anything, ever, but it's also fucking exhausting. Not knowing where or when or what or why. And the truth is we never really do, but if we just sit, if we be still, if we take a moment, if we get quiet, things might just start to make sense. When we take the time to allow our bodies to adjust, to relax, we might just see that all the questions we have, all that we seek to find, all that we seek to answer, is already here, is already within us, waiting for us to sit the *uck down, chill the *uck out, and just be.

Seriously. I don't tend to curse, but sometimes, just sometimes, it matters. It's not just sit down, it's sit the *uck down... because it's time. It's not just chill out, its chill the *uck out... because it's time. And, to be honest, I'm stubborn as *uck and I always seem to forget. So I go round and round and round the same bush, the same wheel, wondering why things never change or why they stay the same. The truth is no one knows what they're doing and no one knows exactly how or what or why or when. And the difference in your experience is simply whether you trust and you love and you go with it. Do you go with it or do you fight it? Do you accept reality as it is right now or do you work against it?

It's an interesting dance. This dance. This life.
Stopping and going. Sitting and standing. Moving fast and moving slow.

Becoming

For as long as I can remember I have had a gift with the word. With language. I’ve had people telling me to write, gifting me books and journals. I learned to read at the age of 2 and never looked back. In recent years, I’ve met authors and had many people compliment my writing. So what’s the deal? Why do I resist all that is obviously here to share. All the stories of my travels, my life, my reflections. The photos, the anecdotes, the characters, the learning. It’s all here and it’s come to the point of no return. It is now or never. And I feel it. 

What happens is resistance. There is so much of it. It is a fear of being heard, of being vulnerable, of sharing my story, of taking that step. Writing in this sense is revolutionary. With every word, every letter, a step in the direction of tearing down all that I have ever known. Every uttering that it is not possible. That this voice doesn’t matter. That this story has been told before. That it’s just not that important. Really. That what I have to say and share and all that I have experienced is just like all those who have come before me or who will come after me.

And that is just not true. How could it be that this story, this life, is not all that important? That it is just meant to stay within me and be reflected on and then released into the wind, never to be seen again. In a sense, yes. It is my relationship with myself. On the other hand, to be shared, to be put in print, validating my experience and these thoughts, words, ideas, intentions, forever. Not with the intention of anything other than sharing this life with all those who may find it useful. It is a teaching. It is a form of leadership. It is meant to be.

Yet I wonder why. Is this really what I am here for? Is it time now? Am I ready? The truth is if we are called to it then we are ready. All that we have made our way through, all the twists and turns and tumbles have prepared us for this very moment, this very thing. Whatever it may be. So despite the voice that says, “You can’t” or “It doesn’t matter”, you can and it does. You are made for this. Where there is the most resistance is where you are called to be. To burst through. To heal this. To step in with love and create the life you have dreamed. To face that voice, that person, that place that challenges you and all that you embody. Stepping up with all of your tools, all of your history, ready for anything and anyone that seeks to pull you down. And the truth is, there is absolutely nothing to fear. Nothing. When you align yourself and allow this all to flow, everything is working to support you. To know this and stand strong in this, in your truth, in who you are and what you stand for, is the true act of revolution. 

So let us stand up, stand strong, and recognize who we are and what we’re here for. Turning attention inward and listening to the call. Answering the call. Stepping forward despite all that threatens to hold us back. Moving in with love. Holding strong to this. With faith that this is all just part of the process of becoming.

Over and over and over.