All is Coming

Since I last wrote I have sank into this sort of anxiety, the familiarity of it, this sinking, this stuckness, I haven’t felt this deep within my chest or tightness in my throat for a long time, though I remember it. This I can’t get out and don’t know what I’m doing here, everything sucks and this is never going to end sort of thing. It’s not a place I want to be and I don’t know why I continue to sit in it. Really. Just swimming in it. My mind races, my body vibrates, my heart thumps and my chest explodes with burning sensations while at the same time my body feels consumed, boiled over, numb. I’m paralyzed to move, to push, to change. I just want to do nothing. To stop. To wilt. To fade. No one would notice, right?

I get the sensation that this is the bud looking to burst open into the fresh spring air, a glimpse of the blue skies and the green grass, coming into its full expression, yet the comfort, the warmth, the safety of it’s bud is alluring. And then when I step out, I break into the light, I start that conversation, catch that person’s eye, I come back to life. I step in and allow. I connect. That’s just what it is. I connect and get out of my head and into my body, into my heart, into this life. Out of my whirling, twirling, mess of a mind that creates problems and finds issues everywhere it turns. I wonder, can’t I just sit with it all? Can’t I just face it? And is it this place? I know that it is not about the place necessarily because everything happens the same in every place, always, it is me and it is what I have within me to face, this glaring, wild, firey ball of fear, guilt, anger, frustration. And it grips and it seeks and it greedily holds onto any glimpse it has of showing its face. And I sit with it and I see it and I feel it consume me. But does sitting at home just sinking into this do anything?

Of course not. That is not what I’m here for. This short short life will be over before I know it and what I am here to do is share. Share my life, my love, my stories, my self with those to whom it may be useful. I don’t have time for this fear, this doubt, this seeking love and life from outside of me. So why do I choose to hide away? Why do I choose to stay still and quiet and want to go unnoticed? Even if it hurts, even if it pains me, even if it pains all those who long to see me shine? What is this all about? Why does the cycle repeat? Why am I back here to this place, these people, these feelings? What have I not learned and have chosen to come back around to?

I am only responsible for myself. I have no other obligation at all except to take care of me and sustain my own well being and the life I’d like to live. No one on this earth needs my help and attention more than I need my own. These patterns repeat because you still seek to ignore this fundamental reality. You are the only one who can give yourself permission to shine, to fail, to fall, to fly, to leap, to Love, to live. And that is what you want, isn’t it? To live? Or would you rather this all stop? What is it that you fear? From whom do you seek permission? From whom are you seeking Love? Only you can give that to yourself. Only you can make yourself proud. Only by doing what you love, what you are called here to do. The most important relationship of all is the one you have with your higher self, the divine, the creator, the one who has brought you here. Why don’t you listen? Why don’t you trust? It’s time to make moves in the direction of your dreams. In the direction of all that you desire. Run wild, and far, and free. It is your time, dear one. Let this all go and know that I’ve got you. All that you hope, desire, dream, is coming for you. Put your heart and your mind in it, put all of you, surrender to this wild and crazy life, the only one given to you, keep at it and I promise, all is coming.