What I Got

As the year comes to a close, I have found myself feeling the need to slow down and come back into myself. The New Moon today also marks a time of reflecting on ourselves, our habits, our beliefs and fine tuning them. I have this sense that I really do have So Much and that instead of looking for more, looking for new, looking for better, I can look at what I already have before me and make it better, make it richer, make it more fulfilling, make it more pleasurable, make the most out of what I have. 

I was reminded by this today at a friend's house while making breakfast. Rather than going out to grab food, I asked what we already had that we could use. What do we already have that we can use? Well, we have eggs, we have cheese, we have bagels, we have yogurt, we have blueberries, we have bananas... what can we do with that? A Whole Lot. Or not much of anything, depending on the way you choose to look at it. This is also true for any and all aspects of our lives. We can choose to see the lack or the abundance that we have before us. Glass half full or glass half empty. Bank account low or at least having money to pay the bills and provide some entertainment. An apartment that is still in disarray from a late-summer building disaster, or a roof over my head and a comfy, cozy room to call my own. So here I go, turning inward, hibernating, returning to gratitude, to plentifulness, to abundance, to ALL of the things that I have to be thankful for. And I know sometimes it's hard to find those things in your life, but return to the most obvious: this body, this place, this food, this breath, this day, this life. It is all a gift. It is not guaranteed. 

Slow Down. Take It Easy. Enjoy this Moment. Enjoy these last few days of the year, they will never return in this way, in this shape, in this form, or at this time. Love ALL of it. Because. This. Is. It.

ALWAYS BOB.

No Cover Needed

Things are not always what they seem to be. You know the whole, "Don't judge a book by it's cover" thing. It's real. It's true. Although, some covers are fancier and more appealing than others. BUT what really matter is what's inside, the content, the spirit, the soul of that book. Take spirited pages and add an eye-catching cover and you're gold. Take empty words and slap a decorated cover on it and you will be able to tell, people will be able to tell, it just won't add up. It's not authentic, you're selling me the motorcycle (vender la moto in Spanish means selling me something that it really isn't worth, tricking me). And just to add another Spanish "dicho" (saying) here.. even though the monkey dresses in silk, she is still a monkey (Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda). You just know when things are not authentic. Maybe you don't listen or you're not sure, but in time you learn.

I find this to be true for people, too. We cannot judge anyone by how they look, the job they have, the way they dress, though all of these things can tell A LOT about a person, we never know their intention or the pureness of their being. You know how you can tell? By being around them. By experiencing them, by reading them, by turning from one page to another, by moving through the ups and downs with them, by seeing how they move through the different phases of the journey. Just like the reading of a book. Are they true to their word? Do they show up? What are their challenges and do they admit to them? Are they honest? Are they kind? Are they open to growth? Sometimes these things are hard for us to do even for ourselves.

For me, one of the most challenging things I am coming to face is being honest with myself. Brutally honest with myself. What am I doing that is not serving me? What am I doing that has potential for exponential growth? Where am I holding myself back? How am I trying to protect myself when I don't really need to be protected? What am I afraid of and what am I waiting for? What do I really desire? All of these answers may not seem clear to me, but the more I tune in with myself, get quiet and Listen, they are ALL there. I already have these answer, all of the answers, if I just give myself the time to Tune In. I am the one who knows Me the best. I am the one who knows what works best, what feels best, and what I really want...

It brings me to dinner tonight. I love going to this restaurant called Ayurveda Cafe on 94th and Amsterdam. There is no menu, they serve you what is prepared that day. They have delicious vegetarian meals in a calm, soothing environment. Ayurveda is the Indian holistic health system which incorporates the balancing of the "Doshas", or elements, that make up each individual. At Ayurveda Cafe, they incorporate all tastes to bring balance to the doshas, and I always feel great after eating there. On the way out, you grab a quote from this intricately painted wooden box on the entry table. Sitting next to it is a giant statue of Ganesha, candles, and several musical instruments. Tonight I picked, "Accept your personality: do not try to get rid of anything about yourself. As you live more and more in the moment, your manifesting personality plays a part in your transformative process." All about acceptance and being here now. Being in this moment with ALL that it brings. I don't need to put a fancy cover on, I don't need to appear to be something I'm not. What I am is good enough, I've got spirited pages and loads and loads of stories to share. That are worth sharing. That I'm hear to tell. That is me. That is who I am and why I'm here. The cover will come and it will sell itself. No need for anything more. It's going to be great, it is great, maybe it doesn't even need a cover...

To Write or Not To Write

To Write or Not To Write. That is The Question. That is EVERY question. That is every moment of your life.

Somedays I just don't feel like doing stuff. Somedays I'm just tired. And for those of us lucky enough to be born with a uterus, when the hormonal fluctuations of our cycles kick in, we can feeeel it, and we realllyyy don't feel like doing anything. So when I feel like this, maybe I won't do anything, maybe I just totally sink into the doing nothing thing. Although if I remember correctly, this usually doesn't help me to feel much better. What actually helps me to feel better is sometimes just the opposite of what I'm thinking to do. If I'm thinking, "Hey, it's 10 o'clock, I've got a lot of mind-power left in me, let me get started on writing this post, yes, I can do it!",  is it really what I need to do at that moment, when I know I want to be in bed and sleeping by 10? No. Not at all.

I am responsible for my life and how I am feeling, and the simple question, to write or not to write, now or later, here or there, really can make a big difference, over time, hundreds and hundreds of these little decisions compounded to make my life. It is all just habits. If I let myself slide one day, it becomes THAT much easier to let myself slide another day, and then the next and the next until I've completely slidden off what my intended purpose was. But sometimes I do, and that's okay, working on being kind and getting myself back on it.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we just have these emotions, you know the, "Ughhh, I really don't feeeel like doing that right now..." And we make things into a much bigger deal than they have to be. If we just do those things without attaching so much emotion to them, if we just make the thing into a habit, we recognize that there is something so much more powerful than these emotions that wave up and down and up and down forever and ever into eternity. There is something Much Much stronger than that. It is me, it is you, it is why I am here and why you are here. That purpose, that reason drives everything. If that purpose is strong enough, those passing emotions are just that, passing. Then the Write or Not To Write question becomes clearer. It was always clear, it was always there, it was just waiting for you to see it! So what will you do, write or not write? That's the question...

Parallels

It’s been a few days since I’ve written, swept up and in the holiday flow. The weekend went quickly and was full of opportunities to re-connect with family and friends, old and new. This is always an exhilarating time of the year. Not sure the word I am looking for, something that means a mixture of fun, exciting, nerve-wracking, and exhausting. Extremes. Not sure why it feels so extreme… cultural expectations, familial expectations, my own expectations, my own soul telling me not to give a crap about any expectations and just take it easy. This is all a part of the process it seems. 

For the past few Christmas’ my family and I have been spending the evening of the 25th with another family who has been friendly with us for many years now. My parents went to school with the mother’s older brother who lived in a neighboring town. They know many of the same people and then began to attend the same church many years ago. Over time our mothers became closer and me and my other sister began babysitting for her kids. They are a powerful, spunky bunch, and we always had a lot of fun. My family grew up with a beach house down by Long Beach Island and we would invite them to spend time down there with us. By that time I was already in high school and working for most of the summer, and occasionally would coincide with them on the weekends. (Though, to be honest, as a kid and teenager I tended to seclude myself in reading, listening to music, writing, exploring nature, etc, it is not until recently that I’ve started to enjoy and tend towards community and closeness. That’s a story for another day though.) Then we eventually ended up traveling to Mexico on service trips with them. So all of this is just a background to getting us to the point of where we are today, which is, spending Christmas with each other. 

We (or just me?) tend to see them as this family that has so much of their sh** together, who are creative, and powerful, and kicking butt. I then hear them tell me stories and realize that they have just as much stuff going on as my own family. There are also SO many parallels that I notice in the energies of the individuals in our families. Let me explain, the mother has the same name as me, Lauren, she was my first yoga teacher EVER, she introduced me to crystals, we were wearing the same outfit last night, we have the same phone case, we have the same ring tone, and last night she started to share some similar experiences that I have also been through (she had never told me before though I had shared with her!). She told me about a woman in her life that she, although not having spent much time together in person, has kept in touch with for many, many years. The reason being that they appear to have parallel lives or experiences and this is helpful and enjoyable for the both of them.

I then realized, I think we do, too! And then I began to look for connections, and you know what happens when I look for connections… I find them EVERYWHERE… because that’s where they are, ev-er-y-where. I began to think about the individuals in their family and how they parallel the individuals in ours, their experiences and how they parallel ours, their hopes, dreams, and challenges and how they parallel ours. This is what brings us together. This is why we spend such an important day together. Because they remind us of our ourselves. We laugh, we talk, we drink, we eat (a lot!), and we occasionally sing & dance (more to come, I’m sure!). We just have fun. We enjoy each other. And what I recognized last night, the thing I always forget and return to, is that they are awesome, which means we must be awesome, too :) The math! I always come back around to that, it’s so easy to forget, it’s so easy to slip into the thinking of, what I do doesn’t really matter. I’m not sure why that is so easy to slip into, but the fact is that it is. And it is absolutely UNTRUE. What I say matters, what I do matters, me being here at this moment matters. Me being at Christmas with my whole family plus us being with another whole family is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Such a special moment. Tradition. It has now become what we look forward to, and I hope we continue on with the Christmas Gathering. We can step back from being engulfed in our immediate family’s challenges and enjoy each other, see ourselves in them and appreciate all of it. Spending time with them is a reminder for me. These are the moments that bring me back, that remind me of the parallels that exist all around, that remind me of the connections that have brought me here and that everything, EVERYTHING, is a miracle. Thank you all for being in my life and for making this happen, year after year.

#cometogether #youaremeiamyou #newjersey #VBS #stteresa #babysitter #travel #iztapalapa #history #family #tradition #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #forreal #itoldyouso #itsathing

The Only Living Girl in New York

Tonight I started thinking about parallels, well it's not just been tonight, it's been for a while now; making connections between things that are seemingly unrelated... but related. The similarities that exist between people, places, stories, even objects that we cross in our lives. Even my blog posts... you'll see :)

Earlier today I was sage-ing/smudging (blessing with a sage smudge stick) the studio, as I often do in my home as well, by giving thanks for things in my life and in that place - the studio, my boss, my colleagues, the students, the space, the props, the warmth, the refuge, the experiences that have brought me there, etc etc etc, and then tonight I began to wander through all of these magical moments again. All of the fascinating people, breathtaking places, diverse emotional experiences, I pulled them out of my memory and into my sight. I recognized that each one of them, while I was living it, I didn't see how fleeting it was or how much I would think back to it in the future. Most of these moments I was just living IN IT, in that moment, enjoying it (or not...) as best I could, not thinking about anything, just experiencing it for what it was. In doing so, I was able to just be, just be me. Then there are other moments that I barely remember or that I remember for their pain, sadness, or the consumption by fear and doubt. From these moments, all I can remember clearly were those emotions, my individual experience, not much of what was going on around me or in the reality of the situation, because I wasn't always THERE. I was in the past, regretting, I was in the future, worrying, I was barely even THERE, barely in that moment, in that place, connecting to the fortune of being alive. I had forgotten the magic of life. My boss said that to me once, in early November or late October. That feeling comes back around to visit every now and then.

That is the premise of another song that has been playing around in my mind space lately, "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon & Garfunkel. The lines, "Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where, and we don't where... ", remind me of myself here in the city. I remember several years ago, when I was working at an international boarding school in Tarrytown, New York and a coworker of mine mentioned this song and its association to her time spent in NYC. She also did the NYC Teaching Fellows program, as I did the past two years, and said it was one of the craziest experiences she's ever had. Now I know why. Now I also understand her relationship to that song. The next line, "Here I am... The only living boy in New York", as a reminder that in order to stay well, stay HERE, stay grounded and enjoying the chaos and rush of this place, we must remember: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am.

I am not in the past. I am not in the future. Here I am. Come back to now.

Simon & Garfunkel knew it, we all know it, it's just whether we practice it or not.

When we start time-traveling ( atopic of future discussion), can we bring ourselves back.

We come back and remember, I have a choice: to see everything as magic or nothing as magic. To see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle. To see all things as a lesson and a gift or everything as meaningless and unimportant. It's my choice. And why would I choose anything other than magic? Each and every moment, interaction, smell, taste, and sight will never pass our way again. At least not in that way, in that shape, or in that form. It's all gold. Every single bit.

I leave you with the words of Robert Frost, whose poem inspired the album name of one of my middle school pop-punk obsessions, read it, remember, nothing lasts forever. This. Is. It.

#hereiam #thisisit #beherenow #itsallconnected #findthethread #shareyourstory #everymomentmatters #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #NYCismagic

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I love The Wizard of Oz. It's such a fascinating movie. As kids, my siblings and I watched it over and over til the paper box was ripped and the tape had lines from so much wear on the film. Little did I know that as an adult I would revisit it to find so much more meaning. I draw comparison to it often.

Today I returned to the movie during my yoga practice, as a return to so many things... I have been missing Spain A LOT. During the winter months, which I don't necessarily enjoy, I find myself missing things, longing to be in the warm weather, longing to be close to others, longing to be anywhere but HERE, freezing my butt off and not able to sit out on the grass in the sun. And I always think about Spain - the friends, the food, the culture, the music, the life, the language, all of it. I do this, often, when I start to miss things. So in my yoga practice I let my mind wander there. I went back to my jobs, I went back to the schools I worked at, the students I taught, the homes that I lived in and created during my short stays. And then I realized something... wait a second. That house that I lived in... it's like the house that I live in now... but different. Minor differences, but the same. Let me explain.

The apartment that I lived in in Jaén was owned by a woman and her husband. She had grown up in that apartment, made the pillow and furniture covers, comforters, and curtains, and made careful selection as to whom she let rent the space. I took the largest room with a huge closet, a table, and its own balcony. It was my sanctuary. I took siestas on the balcony in the sun, I had a view of the Castillo de Santa Catalina, and I had a large space to call my own. I felt settled, I felt at home, I let myself enjoy, relax, ground, bask in the pleasure of the short time spent in that place. I had three Spanish roommates, two my age but still studying and the third, older, lived in the room by the exit and the common area, who lived a sort of hippie-gypsy lifestyle, and worked at a local restaurant. It was a great group, we got along great, and they taught me SO much of the language, about life there, and about local customs and traditions. It was an incredible experience.

I loop this back to my life TODAY. I live in an apartment with three people, again. This time we are in New York, and instead of a balcony with a view of a castle, I have a fire escape with a view of the busy uptown Broadway (not the musical theatre Broadway, but the busy street). Instead of me living in the bigger room, I live in the smallest room, by the exit, next to the living room, living a sort of hippie-gypsy lifestyle. It's like I am now the other roommate, it's like the roommate I have now is like me, but before, or in the future, or whenever it might be. Instead of living with three Spanish girls, I am living with three artists: an opera singer, a musical theatre performer, and a ballerina. It's like the same faces, the same story, but different. It's like The Wizard of Oz, how the faces she sees and knows in Kansas are the ones she meets in Oz, just different, just as metaphors for what might be the insecurities in that other life. It's all the same story just seen through different eyes.

So what's the difference between Dorothy at the beginning of the film and at the end? From "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to "There's No Place Like Home"? Gratitude. That's it. Really. A focus on what I have here and now, who I am here and now, who I am with here and now OR a focus on what I want out there somewhere, the unknown, the greener grass, the bigger room, the balcony with a view of a castle. The only difference is her focus. At the end she comes to in a room surrounded by the same faces, the same people, and all the while in Oz, was missing them even though they were there. She just needed to bring her attention to it. And little did she know, she had the power within her all the time. Home was within her. Love was within her. She just had to learn it for herself <3
#noplacelikehome #notinjaenanymore #JNP #pasiempre #itsallthesamestory #greatandpowerfuloz #overtherainbow #ROYGBIV #irememberscienceclass #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

THROWBACK:

The View from my balcony in Jaén, mira el castillo al fondo! (Look at the castle at the top!)

My Bedroom

My Roommates

First friends :)

TODAY:

The View from my room in Hamilton Heights

My bedroom <3

My roommates! (guys, we need a foto all together plzzz)

NYC Friends :)

The Warmth of Friendship.

Life. Is. Good.

<3

Seasons

I haven't written in a few days and I definitely feel the unwinding of the routine. But here I am, back to it! I was thinking about this today, that we have a choice in these situations. When we are beginning to implement something, or have implemented something and then fall off. It's always a choice to start back up or to let things dwindle out. Ultimately, what's meant to be will be, and you will find yourself missing it, returning to it, or not. I began comparing these thoughts to the seasons. Initially, the seasons of weather patterns, of different geographic location. Here in New York, we experience the four seasons, the ebbs and flows, the birth, maturation, death, and renewal, the changes, the cycle, the circle of life. Although I grew up in New Jersey and "should" be accustomed to these seasons by now, I can't say that I am. Maybe it's because I have lived without them, or maybe it's just something about the seasons in this city, at this time. It's probably all of it.


To feel the seasons, to know the seasons, to accept the seasons, is a great skill. It shows your flexibility, your trust, your surrender to what is. It reminds me of the Fleetwood Mac song, "Landslide", specifically the lines, "Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?" I've been singing this to myself all day long. It's like each day has a theme and this was the one for today. Check it out:

So it's not just seasons as patterns of weather, but seasons of life. Not just ages, but even experiences from day to day. Life will not always be consistent. Life will not always be predictable. Life will not always be erratic. Life will not always be vacillating. Life will always be. Life will always change. Life will always move. Life will always bring you just what you need. Life will always be a miracle. Life will always be a gift. 

In this season of wind, of cold, of movement, of craze, of disconnect from our earth, our ground, our selves as beings not "doings", of being enough just as we are, let us remember, this is just a season. It is during this time that it is MOST important to come back into ourselves. To rest, relax, recharge, nourish, support, feed, and comfort. When everything around you seems to be swirling in the winter winds of change, remember it is just a season. This, too, shall pass. 

Instead of being swept up, batten down. Give yourself what you need.

#youvegotthis #ground #root #return #getquiet #rest #relax #recharge #vatabalance #ayurveda #healerhealthyself #knowthyself #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

I recommend this herbal blend to boil for aromatherapy (grounding & nourishing) and to drink as tea:

Cloves

Cardamom

Ginger

Turmeric

Receive

Instead of the endless planning and to do lists, let us receive. When we go with the flow of life, things present themselves to us just as they should. This is not easy for me, and something about being here in New York and the winter makes it super challenging. I want to hibernate. Interacting with people becomes more taxing. But when I just let things be and watch them unfold, remain open to receiving that which I have called in for myself, and recognize it as a gift , embracing with love, life can just be one miracle after the next.

Tonight after work I had to run some errands and pick up some things for a work potluck tomorrow night. I went and got what I needed from the supermarkets and then last stop before home was the liquor store. I step in and the air smells of alcohol, there are way more people than I ever see in there, and there are stands with people giving out samples! Free alcohol on a Friday night?! Across the street from my house?! This should happen every Friday night! And then, after exclaiming this to the crowd, I found it it does hahaha And I replied with, "Can you tell I don't go out on fridays?" To the line of people waiting to purchase. I was glad to make them chuckle.

A young, handsome man with a super long beard and dark camo green outfit starts to talk to me about the free wine samples, I swear I knew him from somewhere. He shook my hand and introduced himself. I was a little sketched out at first, but that's just my New York, put up a barrier, prepare to defend thing that comes out, not a fan of it, but it's what the city does to us often times. So I humored him with light conversation and then I realized he actually was a chill person. He made a comment about everyone being the same, and that was that. Friends, at least allies at the moment. We continued to talk, turns out him and his girlfriend live a few blocks away and he is the chef at one of the restaurants right by my house. We've seen each other often over the past several years outside of our building. His restaurant has the same super as my building and they may be interested in hooking up with us to work with management to solve some ongoing issues with the building. We seemed to have a lot in common as well, he practices martial arts and has dabbled in yoga. And I genuinely enjoyed the conversation. I was proud of myself. I was proud of myself for letting him in, for letting the opportunity in, for allowing the chance to make a friend, to receive kindness and connection. So often I am focused on what I want and how to get it, or where I'm going and how I will get there that LIFE slips along by. What an exercise in awareness, to receive, to allow, even when all we want to do is hide away. And sometimes we hide. And sometimes what we need is just the opposite, to connect, to receive.

In the words of the Beatles (which, by the way, I cannot believe I have not quoted yet!) "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be" When we don't know, when we're confused or stuck or uptight, let it be. Let things move at their own pace. Do what you can and wait. All will come to you in its divine time. Just wait, and when it comes, be ready to receive.
#receive #trusttheprocessofyourlife #letitbe #receive #feminine #selflove #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

Be Here Now

I'm not a fan of winter. There, I said it. My body feels weird, there's no sun, and my mood gets all funky. For those of you who have heard of Ayurveda, it's vata season and I tend to be vata dominant, so vata plus vata means vata overload. This can manifest as trouble sleeping, racing thoughts, anxiousness, fast speech, decreased immunity, and overall exhaustion. Sound familiar? Oh yea, I forgot to mention. Not only is it vata season and I tend towards vata, but I live in New York City, Vata Capital of the world. I say this because New York's all about movement, creation, and speed. It's an energy and it's powerful. All of these things contribute to an imbalance.

I could add to this with anger and resistance to the winter, I could get frustrated and complain about New York, and I do both of these things sometimes, but I recognize it is unproductive and I create my own suffering. You might be thinking, "Create your own suffering? How could that be? Why would you ever do that?" But we do it all the time, not consciously. It is an unconscious programming and it takes a deep awareness to recognize these patterns of thinking and of behavior.

So instead of making my experience MORE challenging than it already is, I have decided to work with what I have and find the things that I enjoy about this time (it's a daily practice and is not easy). Hibernating, getting comfy under my sheets, warm, snuggly sweaters and socks, drinking tea all day and encouraging others to do the same. Most importantly, during this time, I find the need to Slow Down. Because it's windy and cold I want to speed up, and I do. But what's the rush? What's the hurry, nothing is going anywhere. Slow Down and Be Kind to Myself. Give Myself What I Need.

What I may want at this time is the sun, good weather, to be outside and feel the grass, smell the flowers, but that is not where I am right now. The reality is that I am living in New York City and it is winter. It is SO cold. The earth is frozen, the leaves are gone, and the sky is clouded over. This is my reality at the moment. I am here. Let me pile on the sweaters, layer leggings under jeans, and just let the tip of my nose and eyes out to face the wind. Let me be thankful for the warmth of the spaces that I arrive to, my warm bed, my (somewhat) warm apartment, and the heart-warming time spent with friends. I am here and this is what there is, let me make the best of it.

Also because who knows how long I will be here, as the saying goes, "If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree." Who knows how long I will get to enjoy the warm snuggly comforter, colorful scarves, and time spent inside hibernating. Before I know it, I will be dripping sweat from the humidity and scorching sun. Then I will miss these days.

It's not only about the seasons of weather but the seasons of life. If I keep thinking about that thing that I did or enjoyed, I won't be able to enjoy what I am doing Right Now. My friend Ana gave me an awesome metaphor last night, using the curb as the separation of space and time. She straddled the curb and said, "Lauren, you have to decide, you are either here (she hops to one side of the curb), or here (she hops to the other side), but you can't be in both. Imagine if you tried walking to the train like this (as she straddles the curb), your legs would hurt, everything would hurt and you would take so long. If you try to be in both places, you are in Neither." And so, she reminded me of the importance of being. Being here now. Enjoying this moment, this life, how I am right now, and being authentically In It. It is no easy feat to arrive at this point and I've faced so much already. To be here now is a miracle, let me accept it fully for all of its beauty and all of its messiness. Let me enjoy these moments, because before I know it, it will be spring.

#beherenow #thisisit #justbe #patience #gratitude #winterishere #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

Sometimes I Forget (The Math)

Sometimes I forget that I'm awesome. Plain and simple. I go into this spiral of things not being good enough, not having enough time, and making things hard for myself. I see it, I watch as it begins to happen. What's the first thing to trigger it? Sleep. Not enough sleep. Not enough rest. Not enough time "off the clock". It happens to the best of us, many of us, most of us. Chronic sleep deprivation, and of course, give it to me to embark upon this journey in "The City that Never Sleeps". First it's the sleep, then it's the food, the water, the exercise, the mood, the thinking, it all gets a bit wacky. And I end up forgetting the most important thing that got me here and keeps me here, me. This body. Self care. Self love. Taking it easy. Appreciating me for what I am at this very moment. Perfectly imperfect, a badass, capable of all things. I also forget the tools that keep me here. I forget to come back to myself, I step of my path and resort to programmed habits. I forget the math.

Let me explain. One night last spring my three roommates and I were sitting around in the living room in an official/unofficial house meeting when I looked around the room at them and thought, "Well, if you're awesome and you're awesome and you're awesome, then that means I must be awesome, too! It's math!" I shared my thoughts and we all agreed. It is our house motto, when we remember.

This comes back to me or I come back to it when I see people that I respect, that I care deeply about, that call me out on my bullshit, that support me in being the best and truest version of me. That authentically honest, powerful, badass woman that I am. I feel this often when I get together with many of the friends I went through the New York City Teaching Fellows with. For those of you who don't know, this is a program subsidized by the Department of Education of New York City to train new teachers for public schools with high needs.  You are placed into a graduate program and agree to work two years in the Department of Education while you study and receive your certification. I just completed this program. It was the two most intense years of my life, so far, and I couldn't have done it without the other incredible superheroes I met along the way. They are still some of my closest friends, and they bring me back to the math. The "you're awesome and you're awesome and you're awesome, so that means I must be awesome, too." I see them, they shine, they bring a smile to my face, I am in awe of their awesomeness. When I remember, I bring that math in and see that I, too, am awesome. And sometimes, I forget. We forget, We remember, We forget, We remember, We forget, We remember. Until we do or we don't. Remember, remember: I. Am. Awesome. So thankful that I got to see some of these mirrors tonight, that reflect back to me that light that shines in them is the light that shines in me. In us all, in me, as in you, here, now. Muchas gracias familia <3
#pasiempre #youaremeiamyou #youreawesomesoimustbeawesome #itsmath #fellowsfamilia #cohort25 #bilingual #TESOL #HunterCollege #sweatbloodandtears #didthat #magiceverywhere #itallhappening

Pay Attention

The pieces alll start to fall into place whether you see it or not. And it's not when we want it to or how we want it to but it all happens exactly as it should. There have been a lot of these happenings that I would like to comment on today.

I have dreamed/day-dreamed/fantasized/set intentions to write a book, create a podcast, be a healer (teacher/speaker/many shapes or forms), travel the world, farm, live with nature, learn to surf on the beach, own a healing center/yoga studio/bed &breakfast/hostel, learn to dance flamenco and refine my salsa dancing skills... and I know it's all happening. I'm not sure how or where or when but these little things all fall into place. And maybe not in this life or at this moment, but I feel it, I'm drawn to it, it's drawn to me. The people I find myself surrounded by remind me of this everyday. The situations I find myself in also remind me.

This morning I was at home doing some work on the computer and there were heavy clinks, clanks and drilling noises right beneath my feet. This could definitely have been cause for alarm or annoyance but I found myself shifting to seeing the blessing in this moment; at least they're getting this done. Then, the music fires up, the speaker appears to be hanging from the ceiling right beneath the floorboards in the hallway, and I hear the beat of a familiar song. Then the voices of men singing along to the salsa music. Now this, too, could have gotten me super irritated, but again, I chose to see the gift in the moment. I LOVE latin music, I LOVE to dance to latin music. I sat and worked and decided to enjoy this and see the reminder for me to get back at my Spanish. Sometimes I fall out of my practice (I've never thought of it like that, a practice, just as yoga or art or anything, a language could also be considered a practice), and I feel the disconnect. Spanish has been such a huge part of my life and my journey.

I began at a very young age, I had Cuban grandparents, the sound of the language, the smell of the coffee, and the sound of dominoes shuffling at the kitchen table. I remember a lot, mostly sensory memories from that time. My grandfather bought us books to help us learn, we were not interested.
Then in middle school I began to study the language. It made me uncomfortable and frustrated. I didn't like it at all and stopped studying for a year before going to college. That summer I traveled to Mexico with our church and realized the gift of a language is the ability to communicate, it had nothing to do with me or how I felt, but this connection between people. I started to feel more comfortable and recognize that I really did know something of the language. In university, I continued to study and one summer went with a student group to the Dominican Republic where I volunteered and traveled around the country. Then did a semester in Quito, Ecuador, where I took classes in Spanish and lived with a family there. Eventually I end up in Spain several years later and completely fell in love with the country. I was swept up into the magic of the culture, the food, the language, the music, the smells, the people, the pace, all of it. I always had a feeling I would, that's why I kept it for a while and did some exploring before setting foot there. I became so enamored with the language that I created my own personal dictionaries of every word I didn't know. I would ask friends and strangers what words meant, I would have them write them down in my notebook (that I ALWAYS had with me), I would review the words daily and try to use them in my day-to-day conversations. Every moment was learning. This was not planned. This was natural. This was after years and years of exploring, falling out, coming back to, and immersing myself in many ways into the world of Spanish. And so it happened and continues to happen. Every day.

I have also been wanting to bring more dancing back into my life. About a month ago I created a facebook group for some friends and I and I wanted to make it a weekly ritual to go out downtown and go dancing. It didn't happen. Thanksgiving came and went and now it's almost the New Year and not one dance night. BUT... tonight in the studio, I saw these two women talking enthusiastically, the one swirling around and striking a pose, it looked like salsa dancing imitation. I didn't want to speak to loudly or get to excited so I walked over to them and asked, "What type of dance are you talking about?" "Salsa" they responded. I knew it! Here they were, right in front of me, what I'd been hoping to bring back into my life for a while now. Turns out the one woman is a salsa dance instructor and invited us to the socials (get togethers for dancers) that are held every Sunday evening. She is starting up beginners classes and also invited us to come. Perfectly perfect. I had been waiting for this! Knowing it was going to come and preparing myself for the opportunity. Thank goodness I was paying attention. 

I remember, too, when my boss said that to me. "Thank goodness I was paying attention" in reference to when she met me and saw me and began her search for a studio manager. Tonight one of the teachers at the studio asked how I found MindBodySoul, I told her my whole journey of yoga studio exploration before landing here. She commented, "She was looking for you, she put that out into the universe, and she found you. She told us about it at a teacher meeting, that she was looking for a new manager, someone young, bilingual... it was you. I'm glad you're here." And I know that, too. I was looking for her, I was looking for this place, this opportunity. I didn't know how, why, when or what, but here it is. Thank goodness I was paying attention. 

#itsallhere #wakeup #connect #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

P.S. If you don't know Joseph Campbell yet, you need to listen to/read him! This was what I had on during my walk home:

Mindset Matters

Do you ever just switch your mind to vacation mode? Did you ever try? I encourage you to. You may find that it's easier than you think and has incredible benefits to your over all well-being. I speak from experience.

Okay, and maybe it's not vacation mode per-se, but hibernation mode or creative mode or FLOW mode, just a chunk of time that you give yourself to completely tune OUT or tune IN... however you'd like to see it. I like to do this at least once a week (or daily through meditation, yoga, creative writing, etc, but longer chunks of time, like an entire day, is amazing!) Take a day to hibernate, to lay around in my pajamas, read what I want, write, clean, watch some TV, take a nap, dance, sing, cook and eat, just hang inside, take a nice, long bath. I do have to say that this is a new thing for me in New York City. After spending two years with an almost eternal sense rush and endless to do list from teaching in a urban middle school in the Bronx while working on a Masters of TESOL, this is definitely a new thing. Not new for me in my life (two years in southern Spain... cough cough sun, siesta, dias festivos... and a year in China, showed me VERY different ways of being), but new for me HERE.

In New York, it is not our setting, it is not our pace, it is not of our mindset to take it easy, do less, enjoy, be in this moment without rush or expectation. At least that has been my experience. I have felt a perpetual movement, forward-looking, bigger and better, fit and do more in less time or space, ever-expanding, constantly striving, creating and developing. It's what makes New York "the greatest city in the world", yes. BUT, it is also exhausting. How about if we are just fine? If we are happy with what it is we have right now? What if we just take a second and say, "I don't need to do this right now", "It can wait", or "I have all the time in the world, there is no rush"? What if we just gave our selves a break? We take that day off, we lay in bed, we order in or go out and just indulge? What is so wrong with giving ourselves these pleasures, this ease, this sense of, "this is it, let me enjoy"?

The truth is it is all in our mindset. Sometimes a change in mindset is all we need, though a change of scenery does wonders. A walk in the park, staring at the moon, taking fotos of your surroundings, a trip to a friend's house, visiting a new shop, speaking to a new person, seeing a new thing (a family of black squirrels in Inwood Hill Park... !), just letting life flow and seeing where it takes you. This is the best. These are the moments that MAKE the life we live, not the ceaseless planning and to-do lists. These set us up to meet certain marks, but are not those moments so full of beautiful synchronicity, the magic that is everywhere, that make our hearts jump, that fill us with a deep sense of connection, of appreciation of all of this here, for our enjoyment.

Fotos from Today

View from Inwood Hill Park

Tree that reminded me of the nerve network of the human body.

Rainbow Flowers, see you in the spring.

The purpose of our lives is to be happy, and each day truly is a gift. I don't want to need a vacation from my life, I intend to build a life I do not need a vacation from. Why? Because This. Is. It. This is all there is. It's all here. Now.
#lovelovelove #beherenow #livethelifeyoulove #emancipateyourself #watchinthewheels #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

It's All Connected

This weekend I had my fifth weekend of Teacher Training here at MindBodySoul Yoga. I am so thankful to be participating in this training at a studio I have come to know, love, and work at! We began with the foundational texts of yoga, the theoretical background and this weekend moved into the chakras and the spine. I find these topics to be extremely interesting, probably because we traditionally learn so little about them and I have not yet read too much about them in my own research (life's work :P). So during the spine lecture today, given by a doctor of chiropractic medicine, I began to realize, again, how everything is connected. Just as with the chakras, when one thing in your spine comes out of alignment, the body shifts. The body does all that it can to bring us back into balance. If there is something off in one area of the spine, the body may compensate by strengthening a certain muscle group or tilting the body in a certain way. The chakras, the same. When we are in a lower vibrational frequency in one chakra, another will compensate to bring the body back into alignment. There is nothing in isolation. Each movement, each action affects the whole system.

The Chakras

The Spine

As is with the body so is with any system. Because that is really what the body is: a complex system of networks, of roads, of pathways, of communication, each working together seamlessly or not so seamlessly, in the functioning of each individual. As with the body, so is the earth, so is New York City, so is your school, your work place, your family: a complex system of networks, of roadways, of communication. Of each part playing its roles, of sharing, of balance, of cooperation. Or not. When one part is out of whack, the other compensates, and back and forth and back and forth, trying to find balance. Peace. Stillness. Ease.

For this reason it is important to LISTEN. To get still and tune in. To be HERE. Now. Acknowledging what is going on physically, emotionally, psychologically. When we do this, we can see how everything is connected. How this pain in my shoulder may be related to something I am physically doing but also mentally holding onto. How the plantar wart on the bottom of my right foot (ughhh I know, need to get this taken care of!) affects the way I walk, my balance, and the strain put on my right hip. Oh wait, and this may be affecting my left shoulder, too. And in my life... that person I met the other day, they know that other person that I know, how interesting.

And today, someone I met in high school while working as a lifeguard came into the studio. It was so natural, too. I felt like I had seen her or imagined her here, thought about her recently, and there she was today. She's living in the neighborhood and studying again. The last time I saw her, probably over five years ago, was in my hometown, she was waitressing and working on her masters. I think I had just come back from China and beginning a new adventure. Much like I am doing now. So here we are again. I'm not sure why people pop up in my life like this, but they do, and I love it. It's become something I wait for and expect. This magic. The connection of each and every part of my life and this body into expressing the capacity of ME in this human form, in this life. There are so many possibilities, if we just notice... it's all here. It's all connected. #namaste #cometogether #connect #beherenow #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening

Full Circle

I had the chance to see my roommate perform tonight in a series called "New Dances" that is held yearly by all Julliard dance students. I love that my life is so full of individuals that allow me the opportunity to access such different worlds. I don't know much about Julliard or it's programs besides the fact that it has to do with the arts and my first yoga teacher studied there for undergrad. So tonight I felt honored to be able to see this performance, really. How special to see my friend perform and do what she does best.

I get the program and proceed to read the inside front cover where it explains that Julliard only accepts 24 new students for each class (I later on asked my roommate how many students audition to enter and she said nearly 600!). Incredible. That means you spend four years in class, in rehearsal, eating, sleeping, creating with the same group. It is like family. That is a powerful thing. So every year around this time they put on a show where each class puts on a performance that is choreographed by a professional choreographer or an alumni. The piece is made to suit the dancers,  an original piece that is debuted for these performances. Each class performs as an entire group. Everyone must be included.

As I watched the freshman, then the sophomores, then the juniors, I noticed an evolution. An evolution in bodies, an evolution in tone, and evolution in teamwork. It is fascinating to see, though of course every year is completely different. I imagined myself at those times of my life and all the changes that I went through, just as they are going through. Then it was the seniors, more refined,  a striking  presence, and a collective energy that was undeniable. A unit, a team, a family. I got emotional during the performance, which was set to a series of Rufus Wainwright songs, specifically during the last number "Leaving for Paris". I'm not sure what it was, the fact that I knew it was one of my roommate's last performances and I compared it to similar moments in my life, whether it brought me back to times I was traveling in Paris, Europe and all over, or to leaving behind old lives for new beginnings and the melancholy and nostalgia that come along with it, or all of it, everything, and my tiredness to top it off. It's beautiful how dance, like other art forms, transports you to places through song and movement, to emotions and memories and evokes a response. It's powerful, it's raw, it's why we're here.

At the end of the senior performance, the juniors came out all dressed up and took another bow, then filed behind the seniors in a row. Then the sophomores did the same, and finally the freshman, each class, one behind the other. 90 Julliard dance students all on the same stage. Four years. Four classes. Full circle. I loved being able to see that. Even though I did not experience it myself in that same way, I have been there. I know the power of these moments, of this history, of togetherness and legacy. I took a picture as my roommate stepped forward, as all the seniors did, to take one of her last bows as a dancer at Julliard. It felt right. It felt important. It IS important, or rather was. It flew by, in an instant and was gone. I captured it for her and she was so happy about it. I know that I too would have loved and have loved when these moments are captured. Our lives are truly precious and each moment is a gift. Remember. Remember.

#everymomentmatters #thisisit #choosewell #livethelifetoulove #betrue #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #fullcircle #followtheyellowbrickroad

P.S. Foto to Come!

Be You.

This.

I am beginning to realize that everyone feels doubt, that everyone has those moments when they think that they can't or that they're not good enough, they're not qualified, that they could never... And I'm already beginning to have some of those thoughts come in when I think about writing... mostly when I think about sharing my writing.

You know what it REALLY is? It's not just my writing, it is MY VOICE. It is me in this form, in this way. When I share my voice through words spoken or on paper, I make myself vulnerable, I make myself seen and heard. This is great! This is who I am, this should be easy, right? You would think... But the verdad verdadero (real truth... hooray! my first splash of Spanish!) is that it is scary! It is excruciatingly vulnerable. Most of us want to stay "safe" and "comfortable", not shining to bright or not causing too much commotion. We must strive to remember: We are here for a reason and there is not one single person on this planet, at this time that is like us. We have a unique story, a soul song, a vibrant message that we are here to share. Whatever the form may be is irrelevant. It is you and it is yours. And it is me and it is mine. It doesn't really matter who likes it, after all. It is not about you or them or they, it is about what I am here for. I am meant to shine. You are meant to shine. You cannot fail at being yourself. In fact, you can never fail. There is only learning. Learning everyday. Be kind little ones, let your light shine!

Follow your bliss and you can never be wrong.

<3 <3 <3

#magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #herosjourney #thesamestory #letitout

When You're Tired

So I realize that I try to do a lot. I spend much of my time giving and doing and while it re-energizes me in some ways, it also requires, in exchange, great rest and even hibernation to recharge! I also realize that I haven't lived by long-term schedules or plans. I'm starting to recognize a shift, though. I'm seeing that the more long-term I think, the more intentional my actions here and now have purpose. They have meaning and significance. In this way it becomes easier for me to tune in to what it is I really want and what is in alignment with my truth, my intuition, my soul's purpose and mission in this life. BUT, when I'm tired, that goes out the door.

Today was one of those days, really. It's on the tired days that the magic escapes me, time escapes me, and I feel like I'm just going along slowly, in a haze. This is not how I want to go about my life. Feeling slow, like I'm always at the heels of something, just a tad behind. And I also have seen that it is usually not just me. That when I feel this, others feel this and it is more collective than individual. We go through patterns and waves.

This morning when I woke up, I felt fine and I remember my roommate was talking about how tired she was... then my yoga teacher's balance was off, the cars were driving funky, and I was running late. It seems we all mirror each other... or it could be my perception. I think it's about 50/50... that is, just like everything in life. So for today, I'll leave it at that. To remain connected and aware of the magic all around, we must be willing to put ourselves first, knowing that the more time and love we give to ourselves, the more we are able to be there for others. This is my journey and the journey of all of us. See you on the road. #theroadlesstraveled #healerhealthyself #getsomesleep #selfcare #nightnight #sleeptight #loquetepideelcuerpo #siestasenNYCplz

Me as a puppy:

These Things Happen All the Time

This is me in front of a dumpster. A dumpster that stands in front of my apartment in Hamilton Heights. It's been there for, oh, three weeks now? It is all the remnants of the lawyers office that burned in a fire in late July, right below our apartment. What a story that is. Anywho, don't I look happy? Well, I was and I am. When I remember. When I remember that despite all the mess that happens all over the place (like the fire and this dumpster), life is a miracle and it is all happening exactly as it should. Me, here, this moment. You, there, reading this. Perfect. Exactly as it is meant to be. That's why when I hold meetings (which seems to be more and more often) I always begin with a greeting and thanks and I make sure to look around the table at all the individuals there with me to acknowledge their presence and thank them for taking the time to be there at that moment, together. It is no coincidence or small thing... really!

I was reminded of this again by my roommate's cousin who is visiting the city for a short time. He told me the story of how him and my roommate were wandering to find a bakery when they ran into one of his friends and my roommate's ex from Holland. Holland, do you even know anyone from Holland? Do you know anyone who has even been to Holland? Yea, thought so. So he is passing by for a few days on a stopover to Quito, Ecuador. A South American journey by way of New York. What are the chances that he would meet an old friend and girlfriend on a street corner? In a city of 8.4 million, you would think it would be slim. It's not!

It happened to me and my dear friends Kristin and Emily, when they came to visit me in New York City in 2013. I was working up in Tarrytown at the time at a private English language boarding school, and they flew in from Cincinnati and Lubbock, Texas to visit me. I was going through a rough time and they felt some Spain connections (that's where we all met) would be helpful. They were right! So on one of the few days we spent wandering around the city, we were on our way out of the subway and to a restaurant for dinner. Who do we run into on the street corner than another girl who lived with us while in Spain. No, seriously. Three of us together from Spain, so many Spain vibes, and then we run into another friend who we spent a lottt of time with there. She, too, was visiting the city only for a day to do grad school interviews. We arranged a date the next day with her and the Spain magic continued. You see what I mean? It's awesome. These things happen all the time. That's a quote from somewhere. Just looked it up. "These strange things happen all the time." Magnolia (1999). I used to be really into that movie, time to watch again! I loved the part where frogs fell from the sky... #magiceverywhere #itsallconnected #goodvibes #tribe #theuniverseconspires #itsallhappening #sotiredneedtosleep

#magiceverywhere

It really is. It's late and I've had a headache all day so I'm just going to keep this short and too the point. Also, the headache may be a result of me staying up last night writing after finally admitting to myself that I'd like to make writing a part of my life. For Real. Sometimes I get REALLY into things and it's hard for me to pull myself out. You know... FLOW. Yea, that's for another day. So anywho, yes. Today. Magic.

The bit of magic I observed today was another awesome synchronicity that reminds me that I am in exactly the right place. A student from the studio came in for the first time the other day. It surprised me that she was already a member as I had never seen her face before. Usually how it goes is introduction, new student deal, talk about classes, exchange emails and then membership. A new face as a member was surprising. After her class she asked me about the new student intro and I realized that she had just signed up for a membership without actually ever trying the classes. What we ended up doing was beginning our conversation. And if you have ever had a conversation with me, you know how that goes. We always go around to similar things related to travel, Spain, languages, food, smells, the United States of America, New York, yoga, consciousness, how it's all the same story. Repeat. Not to say conversations with me are boring, I would actually say quite the opposite. I am a great conversationalist, when I'm in the mood/have the energy. So turns out she had also lived in Spain, had just come back from Colombia, had traveled to Bali and recommended I visit the place she went to study. She then recommended a book for me to read (LOVE when people do that!), and it was just a pleasure to speak with one another. We had so much in common.

Today she walks through the door and says, "You know my friend, she said she was your teacher. I think she teaches Spanish or something..." And I'm in my head like... who? what? I haven't ever had a Spanish teacher here in New York. Could it be one of my master's professors? No way... could it be her? She then proceeds to describe her physically: short, brown hair, beautiful bright blue eyes. And I give her last name as a question. "Yes! She's my neighbor!" I couldn't believe it but at the same time recognized the perfection of that connection. It was the professor I had met with the morning of  having that enthraling conversation with her last week. It was the professor that has been instrumental in me getting to where I am today. The professor who I owed my final, final, final paper of my master's program. The last paper that I had to complete for a Master of Arts in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages. The paper that took me a year to complete. That was about a school that I had dreamed up in my head and turned out to exist right down the road from my home and my yoga studio. A school that the owner of the studio sends her kids to and is the reason we were initially introduced. And all of it is traced back... on and on and on, in this magical web of miracles. I just love it. I know that there are no coincidences, that it is all happening exactly as it should. That I am in just the right place at just the right time. Life is just... really... magical. #goodnight #sleeptight #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening #trusttheprocessofyourlife

It Begins.

So I have decided to write a book. Well, it's not a book yet, but it is an intention I have set that I will make writing a part of my daily life. I'm not sure what exactly that will look like or what I will write about on what day, as there are really SO many options. I could outline the past two years of my life and all the magic and fury that led me to where I am today. I could use other works as guideposts and choose a topic and relate it to my life and experience and or what is going on in the current landscape of the world... though, really, I find my life to be JUST as fascinating. I mean, it's all the same story, really. And so it begins.

What made me arrive at this point? To where I think that I, of all people, have a story to tell? But really, what could I have to share that people haven't already heard or seen elsewhere? Come on, am I serious? Who do I think will even read this thing? Does it really matter? Not so much. The purpose of this blog will not be to attract followers or see who or what or when you are reading. It is my voice, my story, and I am here to share it. If I do not, it will be wasted, and besides, it's not really MY story. It's the story that has been given to me, the life that unfolds each day before me with grace and ease. The beautifully perfect gift of each day, full of lessons, or THE lesson, or ALL lessons, if I choose to see it. So in this way I will continue to come back to myself. This is my practice. This is what I come back to, one of many tools I have in my life to bring me back. Practice. Practice. Practice. Through the repetition, self-discipline, self-love. Coming back even when I don't "feel" like it. Knowing that coming back over and over in the ups and downs makes a skilled sailor. This ship was meant to sail. "The ship is safe at the shore, but it is not what a ship was made for." #letitout #befree #return #practice #imwritingabook #magiceverywhere #itsallhappening