There have been so many signs. Signs over time. And yes, you may laugh, people joke, "It's a sign, Lauren!"Well it is, really. All of it is pointing you and reminding you of, well, you. Everything is a mirror of your internal experience. If you are taking your time seriously and valuing it, then you will attract people and situations that, too, value you and your time, space, energy. If you believe in yourself, your vision, your mission, you will attract situations, people, and energy that also value you. If you are dilly dallying and wasting your most precious resource, time, then, well, life will reflect it. By distracting you and sending you people who do not add value, or, even, who suck it out of you, since, well, you haven't shown that you care all that much.
I am learning this the hard way. Thinking my time is endless and being careless with my energy, my space, my words, life gives it back to me and it hurts. Having been vegan and having been deep into my practices has shown me how good it can feel to be in alignment with nature, source, creator, so when I waver, when I falter, when I go off of it all, it hurts, it is damaging, it is like self-inflicted pain. It's that intense. Do you know what I mean? Have you experienced this at all?
It's like an addiction of sorts, to suffering, to chaos, to disorder. I know deep down how much I desire peace, serenity, quiet, calm. And I know, I remember the feeling. And yet, somehow, someway there is a deep deep connection to pain, and while at the moment I feel it physically, it is an energetic and psychic pain, which is really the worst. I have been saying how I am deeply disappointed with humans hehe Because we mostly take things at face value, by what we can see. When, in truth, there are so many layers to what is manifest in physical form. It takes a miracle of sorts for something to be presented and channeled and actually released into the physical realm. There are steps. There is time. There is work. There is much much more than we know, can fathom, or believe. And often we judge ourselves against these images, these perceptions of reality which are not, in fact, related to where we are in our process at all.
I often hear that I am being hard on myself, that I am being super judgmental and critical of where I am at. This could be true, but I am also tired. i am frustrated, upset, angry, and saddened over the reality of my seeming incompetence. I know I am highly skilled, highly intelligent, and have very much to share with others, however, simultaneously there is a sort of feeling of self denial, of disbelief, of feeling completely inadequate and unimportant. Like what I want doesn't matter, that how I feel doesn't matter, that my words are unimportant and not necessary, that my needs, desires, and vision is ridiculous and foolish. Impossible. This is what I deal with now on the day to day. While I would never ever ever wish that upon anyone, not my parents, my teachers, my students, my future children, none! Why am I so horribly horrible to ME? I am seeking support and help in various forms, a coach, a therapist, a support group. To deal with this deep deep feeling of unworthiness and incapability (is that even a word) that seems to have poisoned my mind and ravaged my system. In reflection I can see that it is me judging me, that I am different, unique, special, and have a lot to share. This makes me stand out and not fit in, and this is what I doubt. I feel the need to try and fit myself into a box, to be just like all the others, yet this is what hurts me, depletes me, chains me, distorts me. It is taking the wildest wild and caging. It is taking the most beautiful beauty and dulling, it is taking the most colorful color and fading, taking the most beautiful song and muting. And why? Because it hurts to see the others shine. When you so fear it yourself. I am not here to dim just because they have fear to do it. I am a star and meant to shine, brilla brilla corazon mia.
Notes from before:
I'm not sure how pleasure has become so foreign.
How feeling good has become a far-off vision, a dream, a memory, a blurry image-like mirage.
Is it the world we are living in?
All Quiet on the Western Front.
Out there,
Yet deep down there's a burning,
a fire bubbling,
lava disrupting,
boiling,
raging.
It's been building up and dwelling just below the surface.
This rage, this fire, this flame.
It has long been sitting aside as things go by, time, people, places
Quietly in resistance, holding its place.
These flames cannot be tamed forever,
these fires long to burn to rage,
to ravage, tear down, destroy, make way.
Out with the old and in with the new.
this is the way.
Otherwise
Self destruction
from the inside
Out.
This is what I say.
There is a war being waged and it begins within.
No es el mundo el que necesita paz, sino las personas. Cuando las personas estén en paz, el mundo estará en paz. Prem Rawat
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